beaux cieux

2012-01-07T12:16:00.003-05:00

I think it may be time to say goodbye to this certain chapter of my life, i.e. my involvement on the church worship team. I think it has evolved past its ability to coalesce with my chaotic lifestyle. It is no one's fault, and it was never intentional, really...it's just the natural way of things.
But honestly, I don't really know where that leaves me.
The worship team was sort of the last tie binding me to my church. It's nothing personal--I hold no ill-will for anyone or anything connected with that body. My church is full of great people desiring to serve God faithfully. But the vision of this particular body of believers was never one I totally adopted myself. It's a fine vision, a good vision, but it is not my heart's desire or my calling. And honestly, sometimes you just don't fit somewhere anymore, even if at one time you did. Sometimes we are only meant to be in each others lives for a season, and now I'm wondering if my season is up.
So what to do?
I am a firm believer in the idea that God never leads us away from something without leading us towards something else. That "something else" isn't always apparent immediately, but I don't think He usually intends for us to wander blindly in the interim. So, I suppose that means I need to wait and see and pray about whatever could be coming next.
So pray I shall.

2011-11-25T22:05:00.001-05:00

the nephew quoting his Bible verse:
"Jesus died for my sins, the Bible says. He was buried and rose again on the third day, the Bible says"
1 Corinthians 15:3-4

2011-11-17T00:27:00.004-05:00

what happened to my "unconventional, adventurous life" dream?

is this it?

did i sell out?

am i playing it safe?

it sure feels like it, especially when there are people out there like this, doing crazy awesome stuff with their lives for the Lord:

2011-10-31T23:54:00.002-04:00

who do you confide in?

who do you pour your heart out to?

who do you share your problems, your longings, your frustrations with?

i talk to Jesus about these things, but i'm ashamed to admit that it doesn't always feel like enough.
sadly though, good friends are hard to come by, and even the best will let us down.
they won't be there for you 100% of the time; they won't always have hours to devote to hashing out your latest tale of woe; they wont always have a free shoulder for you to cry on. and vice versa, YOU wont always have moments to devote to THEM when they need you.
we are human--it's just our way.

so what do we do? journal? blog? post things to the great Void via Twitter/Facebook in hopes that somebody--ANYbody--will hear and care?

does this really do any good?
what do YOU do when your conversations with God don't seem like enough?

2011-10-12T00:20:00.003-04:00

the topsy-turviness of our world just breaks my heart sometimes. LORD, open eyes! open hearts! we need YOU. your way is truth.

2011-09-28T18:09:00.002-04:00

my heart breaks for people who have been (and are currently being) subtly deceived by false prophets.
that's Satan's favorite technique, i think.
and it's MADDENING.

"...and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people."
Matthew 24:11

"But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed."

2 Peter 2:1-2

"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves."
Matthew 7:15

2011-09-20T14:54:00.000-04:00

how does drama come to the peacemaker--the one person who tries to avoid drama at all costs? simple: avoidance of issues causes more drama.

i love avoidance. but apparently im the only one.

2011-09-18T23:32:00.001-04:00

i do not like confrontation or making a big deal of things. i'm content to let issues, squabbles, tensions, etc. work themselves out over time, cause thats usually what it takes--time and prayer. so why must we always talk? some things are better left unsaid.

2011-09-17T23:54:00.003-04:00

What is my motivation?

Sometimes I wonder if I need to just step back from my current church involvements and reassess why I'm really there. Is it cause they let me sing? Or do I truly share their passion and goals? We love the same Lord...is that enough? Does my love for this body of believers outweigh my seemingly-unshakable frustrations?

2011-09-11T22:34:00.000-04:00

i love home.

2011-08-26T01:07:00.002-04:00

"Go back to the grass roots. Open your hearts and search the Scriptures. Bear your cross, follow your Lord and pay no heed to the passing religious vogue. The masses are always wrong. In every generation the number of the righteous are small. Be sure you are among them." (A.W. Tozer, The Root of the Righteous)

quit trying to model other people's fruit.

our eyes should not be on the fruit but the roots of the fruit.

model the Word.

model the Spirit.

get back to the root of it all, and dont be afraid if the fruit God bears in you looks a little different than other people's.

2011-08-13T16:48:00.002-04:00

so many days of being with friends and having things to do makes the empty days feel so much lonelier.

2011-08-06T18:07:00.001-04:00

restless.

today i want someone to want me.

that is all.

2011-08-03T13:02:00.003-04:00

i am not an understudy or 2nd-stringer that you can just cue in when it's most convenient for you.
that's not how this works.

2011-08-03T02:15:00.002-04:00

July 25

You do not realize now what I am doing,but later you will understand.
(John 13:7)

In this life, we have an incomplete view of God’s dealings, seeing His plan only half ﬁnished and underdeveloped. Yet once we stand in the magniﬁcent temple of eternity, we will have the proper perspective and will see everything ﬁtting gracefully together!

Imagine going to the mountains of Lebanon during the reign of Israel’s great king Solomon. Can you see the majestic cedar? It is the pride of all the other trees and has wrestled many years with the cold north winds! The summer sun has loved to smile upon it, while the night has caused its soft leaves to glisten with drops of dew. Birds have built their nests in its branches, and weary travelers and wandering shepherds have rested in its shade from the midday heat or taken shelter from the raging storms. And suddenly we realize that this old inhabitant of the forest has been doomed to fall victim to the woodsman’s ax!

We watch as the ax makes its ﬁrst gash on the cedar’s gnarled trunk. Then we see its noble limbs stripped of their branches as the tree comes crashing to the ground. We cry out against the wanton destruction of this “Tree of God,” as it is distinctively known, and express our anger over the demolition of this proud pillar in the forest temple of nature. We are tempted to exclaim with the prophet Zechariah, “Wail, O pine tree, for the cedar has fallen . . . !” (Zech. 11:2), as if inviting the sympathy of every less-majestic plant and invoking inanimate things to also resent the offense.

We should not be so quick to complain but should follow the gigantic tree as the workmen of “Hiram king of Tyre” (2 Chron. 2:3) take it down the mountainside. From there we should watch it being sailed on rafts along the blue water of the Mediterranean. And ﬁnally, we should behold it being placed as a glorious and polished beam in the temple of God. As you contemplate its ﬁnal destination, seeing it in the Holy of Holies as a jewel in the diadem of the almighty King, can you honestly complain that this “crown jewel of Lebanon” was cut down, removed from the forest, and placed in such a noble setting? The cedar had once stood majestically in nature’s sanctuary, but “the glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house” (Hag. 2:9).

So many people are like these cedars of old! God’s axes of trials have stripped them bare, and yet we can see no reason for such harsh and difﬁcult circumstances. But God has a noble goal and purpose in mind: to place them as everlasting pillars and rafters in His heavenly Zion. And He says to them, “You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God” (Isa. 62:3). J. R. Macduff

I do not ask my cross to understand,

My way to see—

Better in darkness just to feel Your hand,

And follow Thee.

2011-08-02T18:08:00.003-04:00

i've been feeling a little misplaced lately.

a little lonely, a little forgotten, a little...purposeless.

i'm at one of those glorious points where i dont feel like i fit anywhere and i'm not needed anywhere.

it's more than a little depressing.

i am, however, achingly aware that Satan is manipulating my feelings and trying to use them to make me feel unnecessary and sad. he'd love to keep me down, but God's truth holds me upright.

i know feelings can't be trusted.

i'm just praying this bout passes quickly and God will fill my heart with hope.

2011-07-27T17:12:00.001-04:00

why is it that i'm even bothering anymore? Lord, please, PLEASE tell me why i should bother. i so very much want to just run away home.

2011-07-22T02:03:00.001-04:00

"If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

2011-07-21T18:15:00.001-04:00

Psalm 55 is currently speaking to all of my instincts:

"Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest--I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm."

2011-07-20T23:31:00.002-04:00

Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us,

Son of God and Man, You are high and lifted up

and all the world will praise YOUR GREAT NAME

2011-07-16T22:16:00.002-04:00

WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,

Which was my sin, though it were done before?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run,

And do run still, though still I do deplore?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;

For I have more.

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won

Others to sin, and made my sins their door?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun

A year or two, but wallow'd in a score?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;

For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun

My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;

But swear by Thyself that at my death Thy Son

Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore:

And having done that, Thou hast done;

I fear no more.

my SIN, O the bliss of this glorious thought

my SIN, not in part but the whole

is nailed to the cross

and i bear it no more

PRAISE THE LORD

PRAISE THE LORD, O MY SOUL

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love."
Psalm 145:8

PRAISE GOD, from whom all blessings flow.

2011-07-12T03:04:00.001-04:00

:-)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i love my amazing friends.

2011-07-12T02:08:00.002-04:00

oh but how can we forget Maru?!
Maru loves himself a box

of all shapes and sizes, as you can see...

such a silly kitty

2011-07-12T01:22:00.004-04:00

so i post on facebook a lot of videos and things that tickle my fancy
but sadly this blog has kinda gotten the shaft when it comes to such gems.
therefore, i will now give you a slew of ridiculous, awesome, some-moving, some-funny, some-thought-provoking videos & links

enjoy

(Katie, you'll appreciate this one)

i am second:
http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/
(especially watch Brian Welch's testimony)

something for the funny bone...
i'm fairly certain this is exactly how i looked when i was in ballet

my adorable nephew naming all his trains (in the way only he can)

the kids really seem to like this one. it's super cute

ohhh poor Stanley

me, being silly

me, being even sillier

i ADORE Improv Everywhere and i totally wanna be involved in one of these stagings someday

and then, of course, we have our First World Problems Rap

and then pretty much anything on this site makes me smile:
www.cuteoverload.com

2011-07-12T01:05:00.006-04:00

my friend Kelly recently wrote a super-convicting blog post about some stuff that's been pressing on her heart--and lately, on my heart as well.
in an age of "gadgets and gizmos a-plenty", this hits home:
clicky click for the goods

2011-06-26T08:42:00.002-04:00

today i really miss our old house on Granby.
no particular reason why today, so much more than any other day.
it's just a Sunday.
i miss it on other days too, but today i am wishing we could all somehow return to those blissful years as roommates.
i miss the feel of the Granby house.
i miss the street, the trees, the sunlight through the windows, the brightly painted walls, the freedom to walk downstairs and know i'll be seeing some of my favorite people in the world.
it's bittersweet, this moving on.
Carrie got married yesterday. there's no going back to those Granby years. we just have to treasure the memories, i suppose

sometimes i guess you just dont realize how much something--even a house--means to you until you move on.

here's hoping there are some even greater memories in store.

2011-05-25T19:38:00.002-04:00

sometimes you just feel very alone in the world.
we have all these things like facebook and twitter that give us the ILLUSION that we're not alone. that people--or SOMEONE--cares.
but the truth is we all ultimately care most about ourselves.
and facebook and twitter are our ego feeders, making us feel "connected".
take it all away though and what do you really have?
i mean, im not ALL alone, obviously.. i have my Savior, my family, friends.
but i AM solitary. i am a "just one."
there's no one waiting for me anywhere--not at home (where is home again?), not on my layovers... i come and go and no one's the wiser.

it's just easy to feel very small.

2011-04-24T07:01:00.002-04:00

I think my constant missing-church-especially-on-weekends-i-really-wanna-be-there is a reminder from the Lord that my mission field isnt so much here in Virginia as it is there on my trips among my coworkers and passengers. It's the most trying time, working Sundays, and yet it's a great test of my spirit and attitude to strive to be God's hands and feet and emulate his love in the midst of it all.

2011-04-21T17:29:00.001-04:00

2011-04-11T20:21:00.001-04:00

2011-04-11T19:41:00.001-04:00

Earth’s largest national park is the North-East Greenland Park in Greenland, covering more than 375,000 square miles (more than twice the size of California).

While they were in the White House, John & Abigail Adams had dogs named Satan & Juno.

The first lotions and moisturizers date back to 3000 BC, when people in the Near East used whipped ostrich eggs and crocodile dung to keep their skin looking fresh. (and i'll bet they smelled AWESOME)

2011-01-25T13:13:00.002-05:00

“If [our generation] would get SERIOUS about Christ, get SERIOUS about the Bible, and go out into the sciences, and go out into the arts, and go out into the community, living a life that is one of transparent holiness, then who knows whether God will look from heaven and pour out a blessing such as there wouldnt even be room enough to contain.”
- Alistair Begg -

I have no other sacrifice
I have no other plea
It is enough that Jesus died
And that he died for me

2011-01-19T23:16:00.000-05:00

"Celebrities have always existed from promiscuous monarchs to Roman gladiators. In fact, when the Olympians returned home victorious, they used to take out a section of the city wall so the athletes wouldn’t have to pass through the same gate as mere mortals. These days however, fame is more easily obtained. Anyone with enough money and a lack of self-respect can become famous just by being famous. We’ve gone from Socrates to Snooki."

2011-01-16T13:58:00.003-05:00

does everyone get frustrated with their church sometimes? maybe that's just a healthy response for people who are heavily involved... i dunno. maybe it's a sign of being TOO involved. or maybe it's a sign that it's a time to move on.

2011-01-13T15:20:00.000-05:00

Change is one of those things we dont want or think we need until we find ourselves growing disinterested in something, wonder what’s missing, and finally move on, chalking our disinterest up to being someone else’s fault.

this is why things change--why facebook changes, why any company changes things. in our fast paced world, everyone's tryin' to keep up with everyone else. you stay the same and people get bored and move on.

this is our ADD generation.
welcome.

2011-01-01T22:33:00.002-05:00

2011-01-01T09:35:00.002-05:00

the longer i live the more i realize life is just weird, ironic, and all kinds of crazy.
God's sense of humor is alive and well! ;)

by the way, welcome to a brand new year. lets make it a doozie.

(sidenote: at the risk of starting the year with a negative statement, i really hate words like "bestie".
cant we just use real words like we used to?)

2010-12-07T13:34:00.002-05:00

what are you doing with your life?

i know for me the answer is "not enough."

2010-11-21T14:53:00.002-05:00

why do we say church is messy when we schedule and plan the heck out of everything? sure, the people are messy, but that could be said of everyone in the world. how is the church different? because the Holy Spirit is our guide? but are we really truly fully surrendered to Him? because sometimes i really wonder.
what controls us--the needs and desires of our members and volunteers? the offense or non-offense of our visitors? the fear of inconveniencing people? of inconveniencing ourselves?

just some things to ponder.

2010-11-11T14:15:00.000-05:00

i love these guys.

2010-11-11T14:12:00.001-05:00

Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve

HA! oh how i adore mock news sources.

THIS, however, is as real as it gets. and super precious, to boot

2010-07-21T23:03:00.001-04:00

i think i need a GPS. and i think everyone i've ever called when i'm lost would agree with me.

also, this is pretty funny:

2010-07-13T16:58:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder when Christ ever struggled with patience and waiting. I mean, he's wrestled with everything we've wrestled with, right? Was it ever hard for him to wait for something--to exercise patience?

I contemplated this for awhile before God brought the story of Lazarus to my mind.
Lazarus and Christ were friends. Jesus loved him and his sisters, Mary and Martha--they were very dear to him.
So how painful must it have been for Christ, even though he knew God was doing this bigger thing, to let his dear friend die when he knew he could just say the word and heal him--to wait, knowing the pain this would cause to the ones he loved.
But God said wait, so he waited. He knew the outcome and the reasons why just as we sometimes do, but that doesnt always make the process easier does it?
So he let death overtake Lazarus, and heartache overtake his sisters.
I think that was much harder for Him to do than we think.

I wonder, does it pain him to make US wait sometimes, knowing we're hurting but urging us to "suffer for a little while" and "endure just a little longer" before He swoops in to save the day?

2010-07-05T00:18:00.000-04:00

i hear no bells,
i hear no glory clamor,
just the sound of hearts in rhythm,
ringing in the hour.

2010-07-01T11:02:00.000-04:00

halfway through the dismantling process...it's still got mad skills.

2010-07-01T11:01:00.000-04:00

mmmmmmmmmmmmm FUN.

2010-07-01T10:57:00.003-04:00

uhhhhhh classic

2010-06-21T11:14:00.001-04:00

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me,'and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to'another due,
Labor to'admit You, but O, to no end;
Reason, Your viceroy'in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly'I love You,'and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto Your enemy.
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again;
Take me to You, imprison me, for I
Except You'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

2010-06-21T11:12:00.000-04:00

"sometimes the good that we know is the enemy of the best that God has for us"

2010-06-17T00:33:00.002-04:00

allright. im just gonna say it.
i like you. quite a lot, and for some time now.
and it KILLS me that you might move away.
that you would even CONSIDER it makes my insides churn
because that means, quite obviously, that theres nothing here that might entice you to stay--that I am not enough to entice you to stay.
so. that shoots my hopes down, once and for all.

its a tricky thing, hope.
having even the tiniest strand of it can keep you afloat on the abysmal sea of disappointment.
and even though we sometimes doubt our hope is valid and true, its very existence is enough to keep us buoyant.
we'd rather hope--however faintly, even to the point of lying to ourselves--than be faced with the truth indisputable.

and this is the truth indisputable: my admiration is one-sided. you do not return my affection. therefore, its time to abandon this hope, once and for all.

goodbye hope.

2010-05-27T00:22:00.003-04:00

i actually made "THE list". i still dont quite know why. God knows my heart. but there it is nonetheless.
i'm getting antsy, but God has been teaching me patience lately (well, he's trying, but im failing miserably)
so now i wait. and trust--OH how hard it is to trust!!
but that's what im called to, so that's what i do.

thank you God for grace.

on a side note, i found some old pay stubs and apparently i got paid more in October of 2006 than in March of 2010. i also worked 92 flight hrs in October of 2006, as opposed to 71 flight hrs in March of 2010. it's amazing what a difference that makes--i rarely hit 75hrs these days...

2010-04-07T11:12:00.001-04:00

"Because we live in a culture predicated on instant and superficial gratification, desire has increased while satisfaction has decreased to the point where we are compelled to seek after pleasure like an addict unaware of his condition. Don't be fooled by this comfortable life. It is killing you slowly from the inside out."

2010-03-04T14:31:00.004-05:00

so apparently Ovechkin was on my flight from Chicago the other day and i totally didnt realize it was him.
he and his people were traveling together, dressed in Russian Olympian attire--i wanted to say hi to them cause i was like "hey cool, russian olympians!".
but then i saw them in baggage claim and i was like "hmm thats odd...i woulda thought if they were from russia they'd be catching a moscow flight today, not staying....maybe theyre going sightseeing?"
so when i passed by them, i said "Dosvedanya" to him and he whipped around and did a double take and said bye.
i saw him outside too and waved and he gave me that little head jerk thing and a smile. i looked him up when i got home to see what sport they were involved with and BOY did i feel like an idiot.
i totally forgot Ovechkin played for Russia during the olympics!
man!
so many friends who are fans and the moment gets wasted on me.
hah!

2010-02-05T00:50:00.003-05:00

well i guess its good to know, if i ever get desperate enough, there are several guys at david's Chipotle who would be happy to take me on a date. O_o
it is also good to know that i will never ever be that desperate.

btw, this article is amazing: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/01/AR2010020102067.html

im gettin really amped for the Olympics, as per custom.
Vancouver this year--one of my favorite cities.
maybe there'll be Olympians on my flights.
"we're not worthy! we're not worthy!"

David and Carrie have recently declared me "sporty"
apparently all that's required to earn this label is to enjoy playing tennis, to run/workout semi-regularly, and to take great enjoyment in the Olympics.
who knew?

2009-11-12T12:07:00.001-05:00

Upon that cross of Jesus my eye at times can see
The very dying form of One who suffered there for me;
And from my smitten heart with tears, two wonders I confess,
The wonders of His glorious love, and my unworthiness.

And then I take, O cross, your shadow for my abiding place;
I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of Your face;
Content to let the world go by, to know no gain or loss.
My sinful self my only shame, my glory all the cross.

-Elizabeth C. Clephane-

2009-11-10T23:08:00.002-05:00

so several month ago i was reading my bible and writing down on notecards some of the verses that stuck out to me.
i guess i was on a 1 Peter kick cause thats where most of em are from.
i stuck the notecards inside my journal, and then inside my bible, and eventually they scattered about in my purse, and somehow one of them ended up folded up inside of the pocket of my work uniform.
i dont know how or why this one is the one that ended up there, but upon reading it i realized this is one i should probably read every time before i go to work:

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.
1 Peter 4:7-10

precisely.
so difficult, yet so necessary.
its amazing how much that verse affects my attitude when i pray it back to God..

2009-09-04T23:43:00.007-04:00

i have the sudden urge to blog.
but i dont really have anything to say.

so.....uh, how's it goin?
you doin good?
im doin good. pretty great actually.
im about to be an aunt to ANOTHER neice or nephew.
scoooore.
my current nephew is growing like a weed and his smiles and kisses can brighten my mood for days on end.

speaking of being happy, i found a tv channel that shows Happy Days 4 times a day.
and not 2 days after discovering it did i get to see my all-time favorite episode (yes, thats right: THE BROWN SUIT!!)
you cant beat that, not with a stick, bat, or cello bow.

other happy news:
*i didnt get furloughed from my airline.
*i recently got one of the best paychecks ive gotten in 2 years.
*i invited the nice Whole Foods guy to church and he's actually coming.
*been taking lots of pretty pictures :)
*i turned 27 (this isnt necessarily happy, but it is news)
*been playing lots of tennis with Melissa (and i use "playing" loosely. i definitely wont be facing off with Serena anytime soon...)

oh yes, and Ally and i tried a Dragonfruit.
have you ever seen a Dragonfruit?
its got to be one of the prettiest fruits in the world--bright hot pink on the outside and a practically neon purple/magenta color on the inside. INSANE!!!
but it tastes nasty.
total fail.

ive had a great urge lately to do some origami.
like this Klingon Bird of Prey:

Spock would be so proud.

tomorrow i play tennis at 10:45 and then go to Zumba at 1:30.
and after that, i die.
yep.

2009-06-23T14:44:00.005-04:00

why do we try so hard to make people love us? why do our spirits compel us to gain everyone else's admiration in order to feel adequate in and of ourselves?

someone once said that "only by comparison are we able to feel inferior"
i find this so true in my life.
every day i look in the mirror and think, "hey im not so bad"
but then i open the door and go to pieces in the face of the world.
i tear myself down, bit by bit, through everyone i see
thinking "man if only i had eyes like that" or "a figure like that", or "if only i was as good at that" or "more confident in that" or "more skilled in that".
then the me i know gradually becomes the me i have no desire to be
and slowly, ever so subtly, i lose myself.

why? is it just destined to be that way? am I just destined to always have this struggle?
is this the thorn in my side that i, like Paul, will always wrestle with?
perhaps it is my cross to bear in this life: my own inadequacy.
i think we're all programmed to struggle more with certain "sins" and trials,
whether it be alcoholism, gossip, self-destruction, homosexuality, selfishness, lust, body issues,
or any other various and assorted human tendencies.
the real question, however, is whether we will allow Satan to use those tendencies to control us and keep us down, or if we will accept God's truth--that we ARE overcomers, through Him--and rise above our own humanness.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
perhaps thats why my friendships are often very superficial. i am not a friend of myself, ergo true friendship with others is next to impossible.
what a tragedy... though i wish it disturbed me more. at the moment, superficial friendships seem to be enough. i dont care enough to change. i dont WANT to be a friend of myself cause that means i accept myself as i am--flaws and all--and i dont.

what a shame, what a shame, what a shame...

accept God's truth. it's the only thing that can save you.

::edit::
from a convo with my pal Jessie:

Jessie: i was explaining the other day that people telling you you're "beautiful" and stuff is really empty. cuz we were talking about self-esteem and all this and its damaging when people don't tell you that...but its damaging when they do, and then they don't value you. it's equally damaging to hear things about your body or your appearance but to not hear them about who you are.

Sarah: so true. so much so that when you DO hear that stuff, it almost makes you uncomfortable to hear it cause we so often DONT hear it, ergo we dont believe it because it's ingrained in us to believe the worst. those are the easier things to believe--the bad things.

Jessie: yeah i often do not believe it. what was hard for me is that it kept getting reinforced by empty things. i had an enormous struggle with self worth in the last 10 months, and that is the problem with allowing anyone to validate your beauty besides God.

2009-06-08T13:17:00.001-04:00

i can still fit into one of my favorite t-shirts!! YAY!!!!!!!

my heart got stirred again yesterday for full time missions.
good. ive been in desperate need of a good stirring lately....

still trying to figure out what im doing with this life, at least for now.
rent's goin up so ive gotta find a new place to live, whether it be here in VA/DC or in someplace completely different--like Chicago, Denver, Seattle....
is it time for a new adventure?
how much change are we talkin about here, God? i feel like ive been playing it safe for so long....

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

2009-06-06T15:07:00.000-04:00

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

2009-05-28T00:52:00.003-04:00

i want to move to Seattle.

or Portland.

whichever one would take me, really....and allow me to keep my job.

tis all.

2009-05-18T12:41:00.001-04:00

1. for additional income.
2. to mow the lawn/rake leaves/shovel snow.
3. to help me make sense of my finances (and understand what the heck APR is)
4. to carry heavy furniture.
5. to help with general house/car repairs.

and because i suppose i should have some sentimental reasons too:

6. for kissin' and cuddlin'.
7. to have someone to travel with.

tis all.

2009-05-11T10:20:00.002-04:00

im really sick of these dreams ive been having.
theyre all of a disastrous nature.
first it was a herd of tornados ripping through my hometown and trying to kill off my entire family.
then it was...something else i cant quite remember (stupid dreams, so elusive), but again, trying to kill off my entire family,
and then last night i, in my selfishness, kill my best friend (long story as to how, but thats the gist).
good gracious, will the destruction ever end???
what is going ON???

on a happier note, i was at Target the other day.
thats it. yaaaaaaaaaaaaay Target!

no really, i was at Target and i picked up a few things...got to the cash register, set my items on the belt and noticed: everything i was getting was green.
green t shirt, green umbrella, and two packs of Stride wintergreen gum (YUM!)
kinda funny. the cashier even pointed it out.
how delightful, the little "funnies" of life.

kinda bombed in our worship set yesterday at church.
i had to lead two songs (half the freaking set! geesh) and i was horribly out of practice (my fault).
so every string i hit sounded twangy and my fingers hurt so badly by the end of it... but you know what, so long as Jesus loved it, thats all that matters, right?
still...i hate not stewarding my gifts well.
anyone have a travel guitar they want to give me??? so i can take it on trips? i used to carry Beulah everywhere i went but shes just so flippin' ostentatious... i hated the attention. but i also hate being out of practice....

please? maybe we can take up a fund..?

2009-05-05T00:52:00.002-04:00

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church

Thanks be to theOnion.com (and Hilary) for this one:

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.

Our Father, the Almighty God, popped His all-powerful head into First Presbyterian Church Sunday.

Interrupting Pastor Terry Pridgen's sermon on His unending mercy, God appeared suddenly before His flock as an intense beam of white light, instantly dispersing the earthly forms of those seated in the first two pews. Sources said the remaining congregants had to avert their eyes from their Creator, whose booming celestial voice overwhelmed their worldly senses and humbled their hearts as He politely apologized for not calling first.

"I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt," God said unto church members, many of whom cowered in reverent fear of Him. "Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here."
The Supreme Being then thanked the choir for its "lovely introduction" and took a seat to the right of the altar.

According to wholly repentant witnesses, who were scarcely able to look upon the Alpha and Omega, much less conceive of the enormity of His Might, God did not speak again for the entirety of the service, but was seen nodding approvingly during the Nicene Creed.
Attendees reportedly did not ask the One Who Made Them Flesh why He had chosen to visit their small parish, though some suspected the church's new electric organ might have had something to do with it.

"I don't think anyone knew He was coming," said churchgoer Ron Stiehl, adding that, for once, he was happy his wife dragged him to church. "At least it seemed that way when He started walking toward us and everyone was yelling their heads off like it was Judgment Day."
"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller."

While God did not reveal unto man a reason for His visit—nor did He, in His great wisdom, offer to pay for the six stained-glass windows that shattered from the awesome power of His presence—the Almighty sat among His followers for the last 35 minutes of the Sunday service, as well as the free coffee and pastries that followed.

Sources said that Our Father sat alone eating two cinnamon-sugar doughnuts, and was approached only once, when 5-year-old Jeremy Pacheco tried to hug the omnipotent deity. The boy's parents immediately yanked him away.

The other 112 church members avoided God entirely, and reacted to His continued stay with a mix of astonishment, confusion, fearful reverence, and the sublime inner peace that comes with the knowledge of a power greater than oneself.

"I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn't sure if it's still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly," Wendy Alston said. "And I didn't dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed."

"Oh dear God," said 72-year-old church volunteer Michael Sharpe, completely enraptured by the materialization of the One True Creator before his very eyes. "Oh, dear God in heaven."
Since the Almighty's decision to stop by the First Presbyterian Church, the theological world has been thrown into chaos. Presbyterian leaders said God's appearance was indisputable proof that their denomination is the one true faith, but afternoon sightings of the Lord at two other Fayetteville churches, as well as one synagogue, have cast doubt on that theory.

"God said He just wanted to see what we were up to," Pastor Pridgen said. "This is His house, after all. He can drop in whenever He wants."

"Although, you'd think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter," the pastor added.
"Not that I'm complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?"

um…well. As per custom with the Onion, the truth—wrapped as it may be in witty, sarcastic mock journalism—still makes a glaringly blatant appearance. This actually humbles my heart quite a bit. How often do we act this way towards the Almighty, as though He doesn’t belong in our pitiful “worship services”? As though he is UNINVITED?)

2009-04-23T01:28:00.001-04:00

If you were coming in the fall,
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemen's land.

If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.

- Emily Dickinson -

i've always loved this poem...
i think in the past every time ive come across it ive had someone in my life i could kind of/sort of apply it to, whether it be a boyfriend (rare) or the latest crush-o-the-month (much more common).
its really very odd to now have absolutely, 100%, not-even-a-glimmer of an applicable someone.....and to be so strangely ok with that.i've always loved this poem...
i think in the past every time ive come across it ive had someone in my life i could kind of/sort of apply it to.
its really very odd to have absolutely, 100%, not-even-a-glimmer of it.....and to be so strangely ok with that.

here's another good one:

Heart, we will forget him!
You an I, tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging.
I may remember him!

- Emily Dickinson -

again, absolutely no one to apply it to, but it's a beautiful piece of poetry, is it not?

2009-04-12T17:41:00.000-04:00

i just realized i know someone in the dc area who has access to lights and softboxes and all kinds of photography toys.
so we're gonna start shooting stuff.
im EXCITED.
:-D

last night was poker night.
Josh won (of course) but both my roommates showed some IMPRESSIVE skills and held on til the bitter end.
i was like the 2nd person to go out. out of like 10 people.
HA! oh well. i bought the prize, so it would have been silly to win anyway.

our fish (well, Carrie's fish), Ruby, died last night trying to escape her bowl.
poor thing.
i do find it a bit ironic though, considering the day....

speaking of which, JESUS ROSE TODAY.
well, not TODAY today. but, you know...
2000 years ago today
(by the way, how long before we start changing that date and saying like "2009 years ago" or something?
ive been hearing "2000 years" for the past 26...shouldnt that number change eventually?)

but yes, anyway....i am eternally greatful for the gift of His grace.
i am a dirty rotten sinner and am ALL too aware of it. but HIS grace and HIS strength and HIS blood are enough to cover me
i am so undeserving, Jesus....
but i love you all the more because of that.

2009-04-10T14:29:00.002-04:00

yep.

2009-04-04T23:34:00.002-04:00

LOVE this.

but here's something i dont love: ANTS. bah!
(i also dont love working one-day trips on a sunday.)

2009-03-31T13:31:00.002-04:00

"this Book will keep you from sin

...or sin will keep you from this Book."

- Vance Havner -

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

Psalm 1:1-2

FEED ON THE WORD OF GOD
and pay attention to what you hear!

also, live in the fear of God!!!

But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are to be feared.

Psalm 130:4

do you realize who He IS??

2009-03-16T23:05:00.002-04:00

i feel like everything becomes monotonous to me eventually--every hobby, every thrill, every relationship, every job.
eventually, i lose interest.
eventually, i become dissatisfied.
and i hate being dissatisfied.
but more often than not, that's where i am.
i thrive on constant newness.

what does that mean i'm supposed to do with my life then?
am i doomed to wander in endless tedium and restlessness?

life as it is now leaves me too much time on my hands.
too much time to think, to dwell on my current situations, be inside my own head, entirely internally focused,
thereby increasing my desperation for something more than this.
is the solitary life unhealthy for me, i wonder? do i need the distraction and stimulation of one or more people to keep me going?
"life"--what it's supposed to be, in my opinion--is more exciting than this.
it demands more of my attention, it demands action.
"life" means more things should be going on--more events, more projects, more things i HAVE to or NEED to do, not just WANT to do
(because i am a horrible self motivator, and things based solely on my desire to do them quickly go by the wayside...
i rapidly lose interest, even in things i love)
"life" means busy-ness, action, excitement, alleviation of boredom, thrills, wonder, purpose.

my current "life" is a mindless wandering in a waiting room disguised as a scintillating adventure.
really it's just a quasi-predictable to and fro shuffle, filled with crossword puzzles, coffee,
mindless petty conversation, and books filled with OTHER people's adventures.

i want a great story.
i want more ELEMENTS of story in my life...more elements of plot.
i want foreshadowing, inciting force, conflict, rising action, crisis, climax, falling action, resolution
over and over and over again.

basically i just want to live in a really good movie.
i want an elaborate plot filled with constant surprise and unpredictability.

maybe i need to become an actress.
HA!
oh the horror...

dear sweet Jesus, reveal your grand story for my life
cause i'm growing increasingly restless in the waiting.

2009-03-15T23:09:00.003-04:00

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

this is my heart tonight.

and i may not be one for the CCM, but this chorus is just too dead on right now:

as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

2009-03-08T22:41:00.002-04:00

hey so is it true that guys, for the most part, prefer longer hair on girls?

if youre a guy, please share your thoughts.
if youre a girl, well...feel free to speculate.

i must say, if this IS true, then i find it horribly and wonderfully ironic that i look way better with short hair.
ha!
my life is just full of ironies these days...

love it :-)

2009-03-07T18:03:00.001-05:00

its official.
i was right.
damn.

Jesus be glorified.
im here for You and You alone, not for...that.
dont let me forget it, ok?
i love You.

be enough.

2009-03-06T21:42:00.001-05:00

sometimes i hate being so intuitive.

its a curse. seriously. ugh.

but whatever.
its all for the best. let it be, let it be, let it be.

2009-02-28T21:41:00.002-05:00

do you ever just want to scrap your current life and start over?

sometimes i just get so frustrated with the way things are playing out.... i wish i had some sort of control over it, but of course i don't.
i mean, don't get me wrong... on the whole, life is actually pretty good right now
(well, apart from the whole money thing--namely being that i don't have any)
but all it takes is one little hiccup. actually, just one little GLIMMER of the POSSIBILITY of a hiccup, and suddenly that's all i can think about.
i hate that.

but i'm gonna try to look at the upside and ignore that possibly-crummy part.
cause i really just shouldn't care.
maybe that's what's bothering me--the fact that i care at all.
i'm completely dedicated to not caring about that particular aspect of life.
and yet, here i am, going against everything i've been adamantly against and WANTING something i shouldn't want.
that i DON'T want.

what am i doing?
gosh i'm such a fool...

in other wholly unrelated news,
i'm going gluten free for lent
HA!
no but seriously, i am.
a friend of mine already cant have gluten, so we're used to taking that into consideration when we have parties and whatnot
and now my mom's bein' told by her doc to cut it out of her diet too
so i figure...what better time to give it a whirl and see what that life would be like?

granted, with my job i have a feeling its going to be STINKIN' HARD.
but its only 40 days (less now, actually, since i had a wedding to go to first), and i've been through worse.

so... yeah.
gluten deprivation begins NOW!!

oh yes, and for the first time ever
i get to play Beulah (my guitar, for those of you not keeping up) tomorrow at church.
just for one song that i'm leading, but still.
its thrilling.
and frankly, overwhelmingly terrifying.

yep.

2009-02-24T16:59:00.003-05:00

I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed,
but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

- Philippians 1:20 -

2009-02-20T01:40:00.001-05:00

yesterday had all the makings of being a very bad day:
3 hours of sleep, a phone call from work at 3:38am assigning me a check-in at 7:12am,
a 4 hour flight out to Denver with a really long delay before we even took off...which made our day feel exceptionally long before it ever even started,
..and then we mis-connected (which was actually the fun part) due to the delay.

awesome.

so typically on such days my attitude would be less than "peachy"
but before it all began--before i even set foot in the airport, actually--i prayed.
i prayed that grace and love would pour out in every action and word , and that HIS name would be glorified through it all.
and i smiled--one big determined grin that declared "i AM going to be happy today. JOY IS NOT CONTINGENT ON MY CIRCUMSTANCES!"

and you know what?
it turned out to be a pretty great day.
i mean, nothing about the day itself stood out as particularly fantastic
but my ATTITUDE....well, my attitude was pretty stinkin' grand.
when i smiled and said "good morning", "how are you?", "thank you" and "have a nice day", i meant it.
i CARED.
i had JOY.

God is so stupendously sweet.

2009-02-03T10:00:00.001-05:00

you want funny? here's funny:

and classically awesome:

2009-02-02T12:31:00.001-05:00

RCC Baptisms Winter 2009 from matt morgan on Vimeo.

what a great night :-D

2009-02-01T23:21:00.001-05:00

watch this

and read this (directly quoted from my pal Parker's blog):

GOOD GRIEF // Anyone paying attention to what is going on in Washington ? Massive spending and government expansion
in the name of stimulating the economy, to the depressing tune of $825 BILLION. Do we have that money available? Will it work? This is a spending bill, not a stimulus bill.
Broken down, only twelve cents of ever dollar maybe could be argued is going towards something with stimulative effect. It's chock-full of non-solution spending.
For instance, for every $1 in tax relief spent for small businesses, the current plan will spend over $12 buying new alternative-energy cars for the federal government.
This is is more of the same, but worse. Can we stop royally screwing things up for our kids and grandkids?

ECONOMIC BASICS // Ok, so the government tires to pump money in to the economy to stimulate it. (basically from a liberal philosophy, but Bush did it too.)
Ok, where does this money come from? Congress does not have a vault of trillions waiting to be distributed. Therefore, every dollar Congress "injects" into the economy
must first be taxed or borrowed out of the economy. No new wealth is created, its just moved around by the government. The government can create new spending power
by printing more money, HOWEVER, this causes inflation and disastrous damage to the value of our dollar and we've done plenty of that. PLEASE, NO MORE.

The economy is revved up by the creation of new wealth -- AMERICANS WORKING AND EARNING NEW MONEY i.e. JOBS. Good lasting American jobs are best created
by the free enterprises of American businessmen and women, not the government. Relieving tax burden helps businesses afford to make new ventures, expand, and hire new employees,
instead of laying them off. How can the government best contribute to creating and sustaining jobs and therefore stimulate the economy? CUT TAXES. Please, President Obama,
that would be real and effective change. Yesterday, Obama actually sounded like Reagan:

"In the end, the answer to our economic troubles rests less in my hands or in the hands of our legislators than it does with America's workers and the businesses that employ them.
They are the ones whose efforts and ideas will determine our economic destiny just as they always have, for in the end it's businesses -- large and small -- that generate the jobs,
provide the salaries, and serve as the foundation on which the American people's lives and dreams depend. All we can do, those of us here in Washington,
is to help create a favorable climate in which workers can prosper, businesses can thrive, and our economy can grow."

YES!! BUT THE PROBLEM IS THIS: THE BILL HE'S PUSHING DOES NOT WALK-THE-WALK OF THAT STATEMENT!
THIS on the other hand, makes brilliant sense, and it is truly "bi-partisan" as President Obama claims to care about.
[CONTRIBUTING LINKS: Heritage Foundation // Congressman Eric Cantor video + blog post, thanks, Candace, for the GB video link]

2009-01-30T14:06:00.002-05:00

WHAT I HATE ABOUT WINTER :

static.

2009-01-28T22:08:00.001-05:00

i wrote things.
on my other blog.
but i dont know who reads this one...
so i dont want to write them here.

yeah.

2009-01-17T17:37:00.001-05:00

so....our lights are still up. yep.
and they're goin' nowhere fast

(my roommate plays the drums. the guitars are mine.)

(this is our living room.)

(oh yes, and we rock.)

this little guy also rocks.

2008-12-29T00:24:00.002-05:00

How To Practice Being a Flight Attendant

Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white shirt and a tie. Wear that same outfit for three consecutive days.

Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for several hours. Pretend you are standing-by hoping to get a seat on one of them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the airport the very next day and do the same thing again.

Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over your head and place them on the top shelf of a closet. Violently shove as many heavy items into the leftover space as you can without anything hanging over the edge of the shelf. Do this until you feel a disc slip in your back.

Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations so there is plenty of static. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all night.

Remove the covers from several T.V. entrees. Place them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don't include anything for yourself. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've received their meal. Make them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at you and complain about the service. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to eat 6 hours later when you're really hungry. Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it. Eat the rolls you saved from your family's meal.

Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently as possible. Tell them to remove their shoes and socks before entering, and see who can make the most disgusting mess.

Make a narrow aisle between several dining room chairs and randomly scatter your husband's runners and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.

Gently wake your family in the morning and serve them a muffin in a package. Don't forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work and school.

After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go out into the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the sprinkler system and stand in the cold for 30 minutes pretending like you're waiting for the crew bus to pick you up for the hotel. Then go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another 30 minutes for an imaginary maid to make up your room.

Change into street clothes and shop for 5 hours. Pick up carry-out food from a local deli or 7-Eleven. Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set your alarm clock for 03:00 am so you'll be ready incase you don't get your wake up call. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row and you'll be ready to work your first international flight!

(please note: i did NOT write this. i edited bits and pieces, but i cant take credit for the brilliance of this post. sorry to mislead, if i did in fact mislead.)

2008-12-15T22:20:00.001-05:00

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough.
On occasion, some may be correct.
But do not do their work for them.
Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal.
Don't take it personally when they say "no" -- they may not be smart enough to say "yes."

- Keith Olbermann -

(from an old Starbucks cup i found...)

2008-12-12T12:50:00.001-05:00

so now begins that wonderful time of year where sarah has some choices to make.
fun choices, mind you.
choices liiiiiiike.........where does she want to layover during the holidays?

yes yes, if you'll recall, my company does this lovely little thing called Christmas Wish List.
all reserves who are scheduled to work the holidays are free to submit 3 locations (ANYWHERE United flies) where we would like to layover during Christmas.
they will then try their best to give you one of your choices.
now, it doesnt always happen...i've never actually gotten any of the choices ive submitted, BUT i did get NYC my first year and Honolulu last year, so really...i can't complain ;-)

SO I NEED YOUR HELP!!
where should i go for Christmas?

this year im gonna keep it a bit more realistic.... i usually throw one wildcard in there, but this year if i do that im gonna stick with a location that we actually fly to out of our base. like Paris.

so......where else should i go?

i wouldnt mind going where i KNOW people, but then, i also dont want to wreck anyone's holiday plans by dropping in unexpectedly and demanding you take me to all your christmas festivities ;-)

so if you have any suggestions, feel free to share!
and i'll let you know where i end up ;-)

2008-12-07T01:27:00.001-05:00

i finished rereading the first Twilight book this morning.
then i read the spoilers for the other 3 books in hopes of curbing my obsession.
i think it worked, actually.
i don't get so sucked in when i know what's going to happen...and now i wont go rushing out for the next one.
i'm hoping, if i DO choose to read the other ones, i can remain comfortably detached from the storyline and not get so entranced.
that was annoying.
and unhealthy.
i'm looking forward to getting back to reality
(well, sort of...)

nothing has been appealing to me lately. life in general has been dismal. i don't know why or when it started...but it's very troublesome.
nothing is fulfilling. everything is a disappointment, if not immediately then in the foreseeable future, which the very thought of inevitably ruins any pleasure i might find in the present.
for example, the thought of any romantic relationship is unappealing.
surely, eventually, it will fail or fall apart (if i ever even enter into one to begin with), love and passion will fade and disappoint, and i'll end up broken. dissatisfied. ugh.
i know that this attitude in particular towards relationships has really only recently been fueled by the infidelity of someone i never would have expected it from... someone who's marriage seemed unshakable because they were both so crazy about each other.
but apparently even the craziest of love isn't enough...
i haven't heard all of the gory details yet, but the very fact of it happening has left me even more hopeless and pessimistic toward love and the institution of marriage.
in a positive twist though, i suppose it further fuels my determination to never settle.
i'm holding out for above and beyond, or i'm going it alone, which is perfectly fine by me.

it doesn't help (returning to the Twilight storyline) that Edward and Bella are like the epitome of perfection, and having just read about them i have to be faced with the imperfections of reality and this recently tainted marriage... it makes it all a bit hard to swallow.
not to mention that Edward and Bella's story is also full of adventure... adventure that very much seems to be lacking in my life right now.
i'm always a sucker for a good adventure, as are probably all the other people who seem to be addicted to this story.
maybe that's WHY it's so addicting...cause our lives are pathetically boring in comparison.

is it bad that falling in love, getting married and having kids isn't an exciting enough story for me? isn't an exciting enough LIFE for me?
it's too boring. too normal. too predictably disappointing.

i guess this is why we have a higher calling in Christ and aren't meant to live for ourselves.
good grief, i think if i didn't have the hope of Christ and living for him as the reasons for my existence, i would be constantly depressed.
i struggle enough while HAVING Him--imagine what kind of shape i'd be in if i didn't!

i need someone to talk to... this is too much emotional turmoil for my lonely little self to handle.

oh and here's another log for the discouragement fire:
mom and i watched It's A Wonderful Life while i was home, and it got me thinking...
if i had never been born, how might things be different for those who are currently around me? WOULD anything be different?
i've never saved anyone's life or helped anyone make any life-altering decisions. at least, not that i can recall...
mom and dad would never have had to fork out $18 grand every year for my college tuition, my nephew wouldn't have an aunt to spoil him,
and i'm totally expendable in my company so its not like the planes would suddenly not be able to fly without me...
my parents would still be divorced, my sister would still be married to her husband and would still have Aiden...and really not much would be affected by my absence.
any role i've ever filled could easily have been filled by another.

its very discouraging to come to grips with how...replaceable you are.
to realize your life doesn't have much impact.

i guess, instead of looking at that thought process in a negative light, though, i should try to use it to inspire me to make my life matter--for more than for my own selfish gain...for eternal significance.

geesh.
leave it to me to let one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time DISCOURAGE me.
good grief.

2008-12-05T23:56:00.000-05:00

2008-11-29T22:45:00.007-05:00

2008-11-21T00:05:00.003-05:00

"the gospel is THE GREATEST NEWS available in the WHOLE WORLD
and it has been placed in your hands and in your lives.

give yourself up
give up every small ambition
ask God to make you all he desires for you to be
so you may live to the praise of His glory."

- Alistair Begg -

2008-11-15T01:22:00.004-05:00

i think its easy for me to get discouraged about where this journey of life is taking me.

today i was looking at my facebook profile, scrolling through my information to see if there was anything i needed to update.
eventually i hit the box labeled "Education Info"
and there, in black in white, are the words "Cedarville University '05, World Missions major"
for some reason, it caught me off guard.
is that really what i graduated with?
a BA in World Missions?
why?
what was i planning on doing with that?
what AM i planning on doing with that?
should i have majored in something more practical and a little less...vague?

perhaps im having something of an identity crisis.
but really....that degree--those experiences--seem so foreign to me now.
my heart struggles to relate to that world i once knew and longed for.
and im left to wonder...where exactly was i hoping to be at this point in my life?
maybe doing something that, perhaps....mattered a little more?

whats really breaking my heart though is not that im not doing much with my degree at the moment.
whats really breaking my heart is that my desire for mission, for worship, for my Lord...is not NEARLY what it used to be.
its not what it was when i declared my major.
not what it was when i was going to bible classes and learning about God's desire for the poor and the lost.

i dont feel like the life im living now and the kind of person that i am at this very moment is a very mission minded person--not a person who has such an overwhelming LOVE and DESIRE for her Savior that everything else comes second, and all she wants to do is shout His names from the rooftops.
that person...feels so......past.
if she ever existed at all......
and that saddens my heart greatly.

the Sarah i now see in the mirror is a selfish Sarah.
a Sarah who has gotten comfortable and cozy in her nice house, with her nice things, her nice friends, her nice church, her nice job....
this is not a broken Sarah.
not a God-fearing, God-seeking, all-together sold out Sarah.
not a Sarah who wants to shout the name of Jesus so that all the world can hear.
its a reserved Sarah. a quiet, lets-not-cause-waves-and-ruffle-feathers Sarah, who would much rather have people like her than like (or even love) Jesus.

what an ugly and thoroughly disappointing reflection.

so what hope is there for this wretched self-absorbed soul?
thankfully, the same hope that there is for ALL such souls.

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
You won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold
You hold

slowly but surely, the walls are starting to crumble
theres a rumbling of hunger inside me...a hunger for more than this. for something greater. for YOU.

2008-11-12T14:16:00.003-05:00

what if....we DIDN'T put God in a box?

what if...we let our passion overflow into ridiculous amounts of belief and trust in our Maker?

what if...we let Him have FULL ACCESS to our hopes and dreams...?

...and our lives?

2008-11-09T23:05:00.002-05:00

sometimes i wonder if i come off as just a taaaaaaad bit needy.

im pretty sure i do.
i hate that.

just goes to show that i AM in need of something, and its not something im gonna find here on earth.

You hold the universe, You hold everyone on earth
All I need is You, all I need is You...

2008-11-06T13:58:00.002-05:00

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

oh man, who doesn't love the Onion?
:-D
sarcastic, feisty, and oh so spot on.
this is seriously just too funny, no matter who you voted for.

2008-10-19T14:54:00.002-04:00

i can NOT seem to get warm.
ive got on jeans, a tank top, a t shirt and a sweatshirt
and im currently curled up underneath my sheets and down comforter
and STILL, no warmth.

gosh i love this time of year
:-)

yesterday, a handsome young passenger on my plane gave me this:

actually, he gave it to the Customer Service Agent to give to me since she wouldnt let him get back on the plane to personally deliver it.
hah!
but seriously, how sweet is that?
things like this need to happen more often!

2008-10-13T14:51:00.001-04:00

so i suppose we're due for an update here...

id have to say the most recent and exciting news (that is, unfortunately, not so pleasant)
is that my checking account just had about $450 stolen from it.
apparently someone in Florida decided to make a counterfeit of my debit card (or something)
and use it to make $75 and $100 transactions at some BPs around the Orlando area.

the card has since been canceled and i have a new one now, but unfortunately i cant really use it since i have almost no money left in my bank account.

lovely.

other news....
running has lessened ever since my right knee decided to stage a revolt and protest my actions.
booooo on that.
im gonna try getting new shoes and see if that helps the issue.
when i get some money, that is.

the hair is getting cut, possibly today.
it needs oomph.

Jesse fixed my electric guitar, which is very exciting.
i havent touched that thing in 4 years or so...it'll be nice to play something other than Beulah for awhile.
(no offense to Beulah. she's a faithful ol' broad)

its been a crappy couple of months for reserves at my airline.
furloughs for all the people who got awarded them are starting at the end of this month,
which means alllllll those people (1500 or so) are flying allllllll of their trips and arent giving any of them up for us reserves.
i mean, i guess i can see why.... theyre trying to chalk up as many hours as they can to get as much money as they can before they stop working for 6 to 21 months.
id do it, if i were them.
but alas, i am a reserve who depends on the sick days and tossed aside trips of the elite lineholders.
blast it all.

so ive been doing a lot of twiddling of the thumbs.
so far this month ive flown 2 trips -- one Frankfurt (3 days) and one domestic 2 day.
not exactly impressive, considering we're nearing the middle of the month already.
the silver lining is the fact that in 18 days those people will be gone and we will, once again, be needed.
and isnt it just grand to be needed?

finis.

2008-10-05T23:15:00.003-04:00

The Death of the Flowers - William Cullen Bryant - THE MELANCHOLY days have come, the saddest of the year,
Of wailing winds, and naked woods, and meadows brown and sere;
Heaped in the hollows of the grove, the autumn leaves lie dead;
They rustle to the eddying gust, and to the rabbit's tread;
The robin and the wren are flown, and from the shrubs the jay,
And from the wood-top calls the crow through all the gloomy day.

Where are the flowers, the fair young flowers, that lately sprang and stood
In brighter light and softer airs, a beauteous sisterhood?
Alas! they all are in their graves, the gentle race of flowers
Are lying in their lowly beds with the fair and good of ours.
The rain is falling where they lie, but the cold November rain
Calls not from out the gloomy earth the lovely ones again.

The wind-flower and the violet, they perished long ago,
And the brier-rose and the orchis died amid the summer glow;
But on the hill the goldenrod, and the aster in the wood,
And the yellow sunflower by the brook in autumn beauty stood,
Till fell the frost from the clear cold heaven, as falls the plague on men,
And the brightness of their smile was gone, from upland, glade, and glen.

And now, when comes the calm mild day, as still such days will come,
To call the squirrel and the bee from out their winter home;
When the sound of dropping nuts is heard, though all the trees are still,
And twinkle in the smoky light the waters of the rill,
The south wind searches for the flowers whose fragrance late he bore,
And sighs to find them in the wood and by the stream no more.

And then I think of one who in her youthful beauty died,
The fair meek blossom that grew up and faded by my side.
In the cold moist earth we laid her, when the forests cast the leaf,
And we wept that one so lovely should have a life so brief:
Yet not unmeet it was that one, like that young friend of ours,
So gentle and so beautiful, should perish with the flowers.

rest peacefully, Janet.
we miss you, but we'll see you again soon...

2008-09-21T14:25:00.003-04:00

im thinking of bringing back my shorter hair days.
my locks are achin' for VOLUME!

thoughts please.

i find it odd how often i make my bed these days.
surprisingly, its much easier to make a queen bed than my former twin.
mostly because i no longer succeed in inadvertently tossing the majority of my bedding off in the middle of the night like i did with the twin.
ergo, much less to straighten and tidy.
i gotta say, it really is so nice to come home from a trip and see a nicely made bed waiting for me.
makes everything look cleaner.

good heavens, im becoming my father.
(either that or hotel rooms are spoiling me)

so, running as often as i have been and avoiding sugary desserts and whatnot seems to have had no real impact on my weight.
if anything, ive gained, and thats just messed up if you ask me.
i mean, whats the point of trying so hard if you get no results?
im about to throw in the towel and say the heck with it---go back to eating my sweets and get all lazy.
but im sure that will only lead to the diabetic curse that seems to run rampant in my family
and, well....no thanks.

that aside, theres not much else to say.
except this:

He loves us, O how He loves us...

2008-09-17T10:21:00.000-04:00

there's a guy at a certain Starbucks i frequent who bugs me.
ive never interacted with him, but the reason for my irritation lies in what he DOES.
no matter how early i get there, he gets there before me, and no matter how late i stay, he stays later.

and he sits in my seat.

i mean, ok, its not mine PERSAY, but its the table i prefer when im photo editing because its got the best lighting.

the worst thing is that he's almost never actually SITTING there.
he has his computer stuff all splayed out, marking his territory,
but the majority of the time he's outside smoking, or talking on his cellphone, or just disappearing altogether.
one time he was gone for a good hour and a half,
yet all his stuff stayed put.
ARRGGG!!

and he doesnt even DO anything.
when he's actually AT his computer (which, of course, is a Mac. dont even get me started..)
he's just surfing the web.
yesterday he was browsing political articles on cnn.com,
commenting on articles, occasionally visiting a blog or two,
but never doing anything that actually resembled WORK.

maybe i need to take this Starbucks out of my rotation,
because he apparently never leaves.

oh well.
the lighting sucks anyway.

2008-09-17T10:06:00.001-04:00