this tears me up every time...

i am in desperate need of a grocery excursion.
beyond desperate, actually.
the other night, i ate an entire bag of broccoli for dinner.
cause thats what i have.
broccoli...
and oatmeal.

i DO have some bisquick that is usually reserved for making quiches, but tonight i broke down and made pancakes.
cause there was literally nothing else.
and, because i had no maple syrup, i mixed in a little cinnamon and sugar, and drizzled 'em lightly with honey.
not bad, actually.
but seriously. i need something a little more...balanced.




so im kinda sad Whiteboard is over.
im probably the only one who feels that way, considering there were beacoup amounts of people who did SO much more work than i did (and on MUCH less sleep, mind you) who are probably happy to finally have it over with...
but really...it was nice to have something to look forward to, you know?
some new event, new experience, new thing to be a part of.
and it was awesome meeting so many other people who shared that same intense passion to see Jesus glorified in our generation.
i mean, those speakers were amazing! i was so challenged, and im not even a pastor or leader of any sort, really

and i gotta say....it was such a rush to sing in front of that crowd.
i mean, WHOA.
God totally rocked it.
not a lick of it was us, and thats what made it SO freaking cool.

yeah.


on a totally unrelated note (as per sarah custom),
my crew and i got randomly drug tested after we finished our trip today.
we pulled into Baltimore Airport, the passengers got off, and naturally, since we all live quite a ways away from BWI, we all went to the bathroom before we ourselves deplaned.
we walk onto the jetbridge and who's there to greet us?
the Substance Abuse Mafia.
meh.
2 hours later, after we've downed enough Diet Coke to produce adequate samples and signed all our rights away, we are finally released into the teeming throngs of the glorious holiday-weekend traffic.
fortunately, our "collection" party delayed us enough that i think we missed the bulk of it.....well, all of us but the girl heading home to Annapolis.
she was pretty much screwed either way.


and that, my friends, is the end of the story.




[i need something new to look forward to.]

office humor

Airline Safety Procedures, compliments of Airtoons.com:



















heh heh heh
office humor, flight attendant style ;-)

to those who are wondering:
no.




so lately ive been developing some rather pesky celebrity crushes.
its annoying to me, cause i know theyre just people like the rest of us, and i know a million other girls out there are probably sharing in my same sentiments.
but truly... i REALLY liked Jason Castro.
and Jim Sturgess in Across the Universe.
and now, having just seen Prince Caspian (VERY good movie, i might add), im finding myself to be quite desirous to have Ben Barnes come in and sweep me off my feet.
granted, i know hes just a normal dude...i think it was his character and the looks in his eyes that we the audience got to observe--it was THOSE things that got to me.
that, and his hair.
good gracious, thats a good head.

(i think im ready to be swept away)


speaking of good heads,
i got a trim:





(it seems im always wearing that shirt when i take pictures, doesnt it?)

its hard to tell in the pictures...its not shorter at all, just cut differently.
lots of oomphy layers up top, severely thinned layers at the bottom
not like you care....im just saying.




i think people like Little Miss Sunshine because it's "cool" to like Little Miss Sunshine.
its the indie thing to do.
same goes for...well, a lot of things, really.
with movies, its Little Miss Sunshine (was NOT impressed at all), Finding Neverland (hate it), the Garden State (eh.)
etc etc etc
tv shows... Seinfeld (its a freaking show about nothing, and it feels like it)
world issues... global warming and going "green".
yes, its good to love and take care of the earth the Lord gave us, but i'll bet you anything that more people out there are doing it because it's the "in" thing to do and because you're practically looked at like a amoral peon if you dont.
also, bands.
the Decemberists. Death Cab for Cutie. Jack Johnson and John Mayer (im sorry, but they bore me)
not a fan. but we put them on our favorites list cause our trendy friends say theyre cool and we want to be like our fellow trendy people.
blah blah blah.
(and dont get me started on Macs... unless you're a designer of some sort, you have no viable reason to blow 1500 bucks on a laptop)

i know ive said pretty much all of that before.
but its worth reiteration.


(btw, i AM entitled to my opinion. so dont get all huffy if youre a mac freak who cant afford a new pair of tennis shoes. just let it be, and dont rain on my parade.)

i am not pleased with this day.

this is the day everything breaks.
including me.
i didnt get home from work the last night (saturday) til 2am (sunday).
i had to be up at 6.
sarah on 4 hours of sleep isnt something you want to come across very often...

nothing went smoothly at church... well, i mean, some things did of course
but the kindergarten people had issues with the projector,
we had a handful of sound difficulties,
when i went to grab a microphone on stage, the cord popped off and the mic hit me in the lip
we forgot words, chords were an occasional struggle...
and my low notes were ATROCIOUS

then a woman breaks my camera on the plane.
she was reaching for her own bag in the overhead bin and inadvertently pulled mine out with it.
it tumbled the five feet to the floor, to my insurmountable despair.
i could hardly hold back the tears as i struggled to un-jam the lens cap
and observed the shattered filter underneath.
im praying thats the only thing wrong with it...
unfortunately its still gonna be a miracle if someone can get the thing OFF.
its jammed on harder than the lens cap.... :-/

oh yes, and our flight from Dulles to Chicago was also delayed 2 hours due to the lovely weather in the midwest.
my Fort Wayne flight was, in turn, canceled (because of the same weather).
so now i have to wait for the 9:20 flight and DESPERATELY hope i can somehow make it on,
even though its already booked at 54 out of 50 with 4 standbys.

i may be spending the night in the Chicago airport.
oh the joy.

i hereby reiterate my opening statement.

this just in:


come October, my airline will begin flying trips to
MOSCOW!

i dont really expect you to understand why im so excited about this.
it's ok that you don't.
im freaking ECSTATIC nonetheless!


we're also going to start flying to Dubai.
but im more excited about Russia.




bring it on.

Thrice really blows me away sometimes...

// SILVER WINGS //


From tender years you took me for granted
But still I deigned to wander through your lungs.
While you were sleeping soundly in your bed,
(Your drapes were silver wings, your shutters flung)

I drew the poison from the summer's sting,
And eased the fire out of your fevered skin.
I moved in you and stirred your soul to sing;
And if you'd let me I would move again.

I've danced 'tween sunlit strands of lover's hair;
Helped form the final words before your death.
I've pitied you and plied your sails with air;
Gave blessing when you rose upon my breath.

And after all of this I am amazed,
That I am cursed far more than I am praised.

(after all You've done for me, my Jesus....I'm amazed too.)

L I F E U P D A T E

*this is for Dr. Cook (since i know you love so much to read about my life)*

// zee job //

i havent really been anywhere of interest lately.
i had Frankfurt a few times
(i still havent bought that gnome..)
brought back german gummy bears that went over RIDICULOUSLY well with the church folks (particularly the worship team and my roommates. as ally claims "GERMAN CRACK! IT'S GERMAN CRACK!")

apart from that though, ive done several one-day turns (where you go someplace then turn right around and come back)
theyre definitely not my favorite, but they give me decent hours.
ooh but here's something interesting: i was the aft purser on our new 747 aircraft...which means i was basically the second FA in command on the biggest plane in our fleet--the big ol' double decker one you see in the movies



needless to say, that was INTENSE.
the rest of the FAs (apart from the main purser, who was only a few months senior to me) were only 3 WEEKS OUT OF TRAINING!
INSANE!!

oh and i had RET, which is my recurrent safety training that i have to pass every year
you know, simulate an emergency evacuation, open my doors & say my commands properly depending on the scenario im faced with, fire the fire extinguishers, get recertified on CPR... all that good stuff.

i passed it all.
yay.

so thats whats new on the job front.


// everything else //

as far as the rest of life goes...

i am still single (yes yes, tis true. i mean, why break tradition, ya know?)
i am 25 years old (and some change)
i have successfully moved all my schtuff into my new abode.
pictures soon to come...


i gotta admit, its slightly discouraging to realize that seemingly everyone is a photographer these days.
makes me feel very inadequate.
i am going to a lighting seminar this Sunday, though.
should (hopefully) be inspirational and motivational...(rather than intimidating.)



80's music is my current groove as of late.
the most recent mix:

// Dancing With Myself
// Heaven Is a Place On Earth
// Don't You Forget About Me
// Come On Eileen
// 99 Red Balloons
// You Spin Me Round [Like A Record]
// Walk Like An Egyptian
// Billie Jean
// Video Killed the Radio Star
// Take On Me
// Dance Hall Days
// Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
// Love Is A Battlefield
// [I Just] Died In Your Arms
// Don't You Want Me
// Hit Me With Your Best Shot
// Venus
// Show Me


brilliancy.

i did also happen to pick up Mew's Frengers album, which i am a dear, dear fan of now.
however..not so terribly impressed with the new Panic! album.
and Shiny Toy Guns...eh.



i plugged in at practice on Wednesday.
it felt SO good to play in a band again...
matt claims im going to be taking over his job soon.
HA!


ive been really caught up on American Idol lately.
i never used to watch it, but this season too many people i know have watched it in my presence, so much so that ive developed favorites and now i HAVE to watch it.
drat.
i really like Castro, but i'm a bit biased. he's cute and he loves Jesus.
thats not enough reason for him to win--though i DO like his style and sound...but i dont think enough of america is backing him.
same goes for Syesha.
Cook will probably end up on top.
and Archuleta will go sign a contract with the Disney Channel until he can successfully grow facial hair.
at least, thats how i see it.



do you ever look at the face of an ex and think: "i've kissed that"
doesn't it just weird you out?
especially if they're married now...

ugh.

waiting

then



and now



the years have definitely changed us, but most assuredly for the better.
she is and always will be one of my very favorites :-)


. . . .


do you ever feel like youre wasting your life WAITING for things?

it seems that truly, the majority of my life is spent waiting.
where i work is essentially a waiting room, if you think about it.
we're always waiting for the planes, then waiting for the passengers to get off, then waiting for them to get on, then waiting for the next flight...and we work during the "wait" from one destination to the next, then wait to land and wait to take off again....

and in life im waiting for the next move. the next job. the next task, the next door to open, the next STEP.
(because this isnt where im supposed to be forever...right, Lord..?)

and in my lack-o-love-life, im waiting for the "right" one to come along. and waiting to be ready when(/if) he does (cause im sure as heck not ready now. surprisingly.)

we wait for our mail, for the traffic light, for the next opportunity, for that second smile, for the phone to ring, for the day to be over, for our turn in the game, for results, for a chance to relax, for our turn in the grocery line, for our meals to finish cooking, for the day when we can embrace our loved ones again...

its so very very hard to WAIT.

im not really sure what my point is in all of this....
just that...im sick of waiting.
i dont want to see my life in this way.
i want to see the "waiting" as time to make things happen.
i want to SEIZE this life.
i want to ENJOY it.
waiting doesnt have to be waiting.
we trivialize it to be that, but we should instead be viewing the waiting as just another opportunity to do something else...
yes?

is this making any sense?

thoughts please.

my hair can be WAVY!!!



you have no idea what a triumph this is
for two and a half decades, i have been confined by the misunderstanding that my hair was "straight"
but alas, a revelation!
it has LIFE to it!

(ok, so i had to work at it a little bit,
but that doesn't nullify the end result)

lately...

i didnt sing at church today.
i could have--i knew yesterday evening that i would be around for it
but i just...needed to NOT sing...for a change.
i needed to not be in any spotlight,
to not be preoccupied with how i appear and be so wrapped up in singing that i dont think about the meaning of the words.
i needed a break.
i needed to think...
to remember Who this is all for
and why im even here.

admittedly, i think ive become a bit of an attention whore.
inadvertently, mind you.
work doesnt help...i think its probably what started it all.
being stared at all day, all because of this bloody uniform and the fact that im one of the younger ones wearing it.
passengers seem to like that...
sometimes i feel like...i dont know how to put this delicately...........a piece of meat?
i can usually tune it out by not looking them in the eyes, but i still KNOW theyre looking
(why, though??? im not exactly a Kate Beckinsale or Angelina Jolie... not even CLOSE. what's the big deal?)
anywho...work as gotten me used to being on display
and now im starting struggle with it as a member of our worship team.
im starting to LIKE the attention....and really, thats what worries me the most.
granted, that doesnt mean i should STOP singing with the team... it just means i need to quit making this about me. it never has been, it never will be, and i dont WANT it to be.
i need Jesus to help me nip this thing in the bud, and i need to quit letting my guard down.
Satan's schemes are many and subtle...
he'd love nothing more than to get us thinking that this is all about us.

"if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"

but my JESUS
my JESUS is my rock and my strength
my fortress
my strong tower of refuge


this is all for HIS glory and HIS praise.



(my walk has been more of a crawl lately... oh Lord, im so sorry.....)

For You

My sweet Jesus,
I love you.
And I'm trying so hard.
It's not so easy,
down here anymore.
Everyone just treats me,
like I'm crazy or something.
Sometimes I feel like I am,
because no one seems to understand.

But if I'm a fool, I'm a fool for you.
And if I'm alive, I'm living just for you.
If I sing a song, then I sing for you.
I sing all day long, in everything I do.

My sweet Jesus,
I'm sorry,
that I let you down again.
It's not so easy,
Down here anymore.
Everyone just treats me,
like I'm crazy or something.
And sometimes, I feel like I am.
Because no one seems to understand.

But if I'm a fool, I'm a fool for you.
and if I'm alive, I'm living just for you.
If I sing a song, then I sing for you.
I sing all day long, in everything I do...

i weighed myself today, for the first time in 2 and a half years.

and it wasn't as bad as i was expecting.

granted, it WAS bad.
but not AS bad as i feared.

so.
i guess thats something.

attraction

Mutual attraction really is so nice.

I just noticed a guy noticing me as we walked through a nearly empty O'Hare terminal.
I was heading one way, he was going the other...
Turned back for another look just when he did.
Smiles were exchanged.
Walking continued.
Another glance back was met with another glance from him.
Bigger smiles.
More walking.
Another glance, another smile...
I laughed at our game.
From what I could tell, he was just as amused.

Sadly, however, thats usually where it ends.
But for those brief moments of "possibility", the heart leaps, and hope is once again fanned into flame.
And the thought lingers, "Maybe...just maybe.....someday.............."

what ive learned from sorting through my 2007 receipts:

.:: i spend WAAAYYYY too much money at Starbucks.
.:: i use a surprising amount of gas for not driving a car every day.
.:: international receipts...i have NO idea what to do with those. especially the ones in Japanese.
.:: last year, i spend over $1000 in car repairs.
.:: a room service bill, paid on the morning of 01/01/08 but ordered on 12/31/07 may not count on my 2007 deductions
.:: throwing all your receipts in an H&M bag over the course of a year is probably not the most efficient filing system around.



if i had a garden gnome, i would name him Maximus Giovani Aristotle Smith.
or something to that effect.
maybe not Aristotle..
maybe...Abujabe.
or....just plain Bob.


i need a haircut.
badly.
but i cant think of anything creative to do with it.
thoughts..?




so, random turn-around:
i think i can relate a bit to Angela Chase
case in point:

-"i thought at least by the age of [25] i would have a love life.
but i dont even have a LIKE life."

- "i think part of him is partly interested in you, definitely. but, i mean, he's got other things on his mind..."
- "but that's the part that's so unfair--i have NOTHING else on my mind.
how come I have to be the one sitting around analyzing him in, like, microscopic detail, and HE gets to be the one with OTHER things on his mind?"

eeeeexactly.


just a few of my favorite things:

.:: laundromats ::.

.:: the nephew ::.

Here in persistence I've sat on this doorstep and cried
I've pounded
Waiting for answers to questions I would not let die
Confounded
Above all my knocking I hear you
Tell me its time to move on
To abandon the hope I have clung to
Holding out for a key for so long...

If I lay this down for You,
Trusting your wisdom and strength to see me through,
I'd be walking away from my dream and desire
For reasons much higher
Than I could aspire to know,
If I finally let it all go for You...

I thought for awhile you'd come to my senses and see my reasons
With all my persuasion, you'd open eventually,
In season.
Stubborn and certain, I've pleaded,
Knocking with all of my might
Sure this was all that I needed
For an echo of hope I have tried

If I lay this down for You,
Trusting your wisdom and strength to see me through,
I'd be walking away from my dream and desire
For reasons much higher
Than I could aspire to know,
If I finally let it all go for You...

good gracious, thats SO hard to do.
to let it go...even for a prize as great as Him.
makes me wonder what i need to lay down....
so many aspirations and desires lie within my heart...and who knows? maybe he desires to give them to me.
but then again, maybe theyre things i need to let go of for good...

much easier said than done.


a rather thought-provoking statement recently crossed my path:
"Don't assume that every bright and noble idea in a godly man's mind is of Me."

there seem to be a good number of "noble ideas" floating around in my head, things i want to do for God.
but if he hasn't called me to do them and yet i DO, then i'm going against his will for me,
and that's straight up disobedience.


hmm...
really makes you think twice, doesn't it?





so....i still need to do my taxes.
im really an idiot for waiting this long....
i also need to move..
and do my IPTE training for our new aircraft....
and do my online "homework" for my recurrent safety training at the end of this month...
and play Beulah, and study Russian, and get a new cell phone, and do my bible study homework..and return my jeans...and pay my bills....and get a picture re-framed.....and lose weight.......and decide if i'm going to photograph Nichole's wedding...........

ohhhhhh lordy, i'm over it all already.



guide me, sweet Jesus.

why does it always have to come at you all at once?

today is a stressful one.
between trying to get two friends out of LAX where theyve been stuck in the airport for the past 13 hours,
trying to coordinate my own flight for tomorrow,
trying to get off work on saturday so i dont have to try to get home tomorrow,
and trying to coordinate the exchange of a vacuum cleaner with my sister's bro-in-law somewhere on route 49 tomorrow.....

yeah.
stressful.

but ironically, the rest of my stay has been nothing but lovely.
as always.
these people are nothing short of amazing.
talking with them, being with them, reminds me how terribly blessed i am.
it makes leaving so hard...



im beginning to question (only slightly) my decision to stay in Virginia.
for now, yes, i will stay.
but im floating there...floating instead of doing.
i could be so much more active in my ministry passions in Chicago.
why im not taking advantage of such an opportunity is...a wonder.

but where He leads i will follow,
in His perfect timing.

. : : things : : .

. : : i can now play Hey There Delilah quasi-decently on my guitar--the way its played in the recording, mind you, all plucky like.
im struggle with finger picking and the like, so i consider this a great accomplishment.
(and dont judge me for the song. i like it, even if it is overplayed)

. : : i got asked to photograph a friend's wedding in England.
no idea if i'll actually do it, but it feels nice to be asked.

. : : Prince Caspian is a crazy awesome book that's got Jesus coming out of every line, crease and tittle.
give it a read, if you never have. you won't regret a second of it.
(i particularly enjoy Lewis's playful British idioms, such as "By george, he's a brick, that Trumpkin". HA! brilliant!)

. : : why are there outlets on the ceiling at Starbucks? i dont get it.

. : : we're singing the Sufjan Steven's song To Be Alone With You at our Easter service this sunday.
my church pretty much rocks.

. : : i have a thing for laundromats...



(particularly ones in Brussels with orange washers and dryers)

peeves and uncertainty

i hate it when people use adverbs incorrectly.
it's not "drive careful" or "act different"
ADD THE FREAKING "LY"!!!
you're killin' me, Smalls!


(there is absolutely nothing new to report)





::edit::
i am continually wondering if im "ready"
(in regards to SO many things in my life),
and i think the answer is still no.

but....are we ever really ready?
i mean, maybe we are, but we just dont feel like it.

i hope thats the case here, cause i really WANT to be ready.
the next phase would be nice... i could use the change.

sometimes i can't believe i get paid to do what i do.
other times, i can't believe i don't get paid more to do what i do.

photoshop excites me.
as do sunny days, beautiful photography at unique coffee shops, and old friends.
oh and tile floors.
i love tile floors,
cool ceramic under my bare feet...

i cant believe im vacationing in the desert.
ME, of all people.
ME, who loves mountains, cool breezes, and all things green and leafy.


anyone want to go to russia with me?
seriously.
i want to go, but not alone.