halfway through the dismantling process...it's still got mad skills.

mmmmmmmmmmmmm FUN.

uhhhhhh classic

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me,'and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to'another due,
Labor to'admit You, but O, to no end;
Reason, Your viceroy'in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly'I love You,'and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto Your enemy.
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again;
Take me to You, imprison me, for I
Except You'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

"sometimes the good that we know is the enemy of the best that God has for us"

allright. im just gonna say it.
i like you. quite a lot, and for some time now.
and it KILLS me that you might move away.
that you would even CONSIDER it makes my insides churn
because that means, quite obviously, that theres nothing here that might entice you to stay--that I am not enough to entice you to stay.
so. that shoots my hopes down, once and for all.

its a tricky thing, hope.
having even the tiniest strand of it can keep you afloat on the abysmal sea of disappointment.
and even though we sometimes doubt our hope is valid and true, its very existence is enough to keep us buoyant.
we'd rather hope--however faintly, even to the point of lying to ourselves--than be faced with the truth indisputable.

and this is the truth indisputable: my admiration is one-sided. you do not return my affection. therefore, its time to abandon this hope, once and for all.

goodbye hope.

i actually made "THE list". i still dont quite know why. God knows my heart. but there it is nonetheless.
i'm getting antsy, but God has been teaching me patience lately (well, he's trying, but im failing miserably)
so now i wait. and trust--OH how hard it is to trust!!
but that's what im called to, so that's what i do.

thank you God for grace.



on a side note, i found some old pay stubs and apparently i got paid more in October of 2006 than in March of 2010. i also worked 92 flight hrs in October of 2006, as opposed to 71 flight hrs in March of 2010. it's amazing what a difference that makes--i rarely hit 75hrs these days...

"Because we live in a culture predicated on instant and superficial gratification, desire has increased while satisfaction has decreased to the point where we are compelled to seek after pleasure like an addict unaware of his condition. Don't be fooled by this comfortable life. It is killing you slowly from the inside out."

so apparently Ovechkin was on my flight from Chicago the other day and i totally didnt realize it was him.
he and his people were traveling together, dressed in Russian Olympian attire--i wanted to say hi to them cause i was like "hey cool, russian olympians!".
but then i saw them in baggage claim and i was like "hmm thats odd...i woulda thought if they were from russia they'd be catching a moscow flight today, not staying....maybe theyre going sightseeing?"
so when i passed by them, i said "Dosvedanya" to him and he whipped around and did a double take and said bye.
i saw him outside too and waved and he gave me that little head jerk thing and a smile. i looked him up when i got home to see what sport they were involved with and BOY did i feel like an idiot.
i totally forgot Ovechkin played for Russia during the olympics!
man!
so many friends who are fans and the moment gets wasted on me.
hah!

well i guess its good to know, if i ever get desperate enough, there are several guys at david's Chipotle who would be happy to take me on a date. O_o
it is also good to know that i will never ever be that desperate.


btw, this article is amazing: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/01/AR2010020102067.html



im gettin really amped for the Olympics, as per custom.
Vancouver this year--one of my favorite cities.
maybe there'll be Olympians on my flights.
"we're not worthy! we're not worthy!"

David and Carrie have recently declared me "sporty"
apparently all that's required to earn this label is to enjoy playing tennis, to run/workout semi-regularly, and to take great enjoyment in the Olympics.
who knew?

Upon that cross of Jesus my eye at times can see
The very dying form of One who suffered there for me;
And from my smitten heart with tears, two wonders I confess,
The wonders of His glorious love, and my unworthiness.

And then I take, O cross, your shadow for my abiding place;
I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of Your face;
Content to let the world go by, to know no gain or loss.
My sinful self my only shame, my glory all the cross.

-Elizabeth C. Clephane-

so several month ago i was reading my bible and writing down on notecards some of the verses that stuck out to me.
i guess i was on a 1 Peter kick cause thats where most of em are from.
i stuck the notecards inside my journal, and then inside my bible, and eventually they scattered about in my purse, and somehow one of them ended up folded up inside of the pocket of my work uniform.
i dont know how or why this one is the one that ended up there, but upon reading it i realized this is one i should probably read every time before i go to work:

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.
1 Peter 4:7-10

precisely.
so difficult, yet so necessary.
its amazing how much that verse affects my attitude when i pray it back to God..

i have the sudden urge to blog.
but i dont really have anything to say.

so.....uh, how's it goin?
you doin good?
im doin good. pretty great actually.
im about to be an aunt to ANOTHER neice or nephew.
scoooore.
my current nephew is growing like a weed and his smiles and kisses can brighten my mood for days on end.

speaking of being happy, i found a tv channel that shows Happy Days 4 times a day.
and not 2 days after discovering it did i get to see my all-time favorite episode (yes, thats right: THE BROWN SUIT!!)
you cant beat that, not with a stick, bat, or cello bow.

other happy news:
*i didnt get furloughed from my airline.
*i recently got one of the best paychecks ive gotten in 2 years.
*i invited the nice Whole Foods guy to church and he's actually coming.
*been taking lots of pretty pictures :)
*i turned 27 (this isnt necessarily happy, but it is news)
*been playing lots of tennis with Melissa (and i use "playing" loosely. i definitely wont be facing off with Serena anytime soon...)

oh yes, and Ally and i tried a Dragonfruit.
have you ever seen a Dragonfruit?
its got to be one of the prettiest fruits in the world--bright hot pink on the outside and a practically neon purple/magenta color on the inside. INSANE!!!
but it tastes nasty.
total fail.

ive had a great urge lately to do some origami.
like this Klingon Bird of Prey:

Spock would be so proud.


tomorrow i play tennis at 10:45 and then go to Zumba at 1:30.
and after that, i die.
yep.

why do we try so hard to make people love us? why do our spirits compel us to gain everyone else's admiration in order to feel adequate in and of ourselves?

someone once said that "only by comparison are we able to feel inferior"
i find this so true in my life.
every day i look in the mirror and think, "hey im not so bad"
but then i open the door and go to pieces in the face of the world.
i tear myself down, bit by bit, through everyone i see
thinking "man if only i had eyes like that" or "a figure like that", or "if only i was as good at that" or "more confident in that" or "more skilled in that".
then the me i know gradually becomes the me i have no desire to be
and slowly, ever so subtly, i lose myself.


why? is it just destined to be that way? am I just destined to always have this struggle?
is this the thorn in my side that i, like Paul, will always wrestle with?
perhaps it is my cross to bear in this life: my own inadequacy.
i think we're all programmed to struggle more with certain "sins" and trials,
whether it be alcoholism, gossip, self-destruction, homosexuality, selfishness, lust, body issues,
or any other various and assorted human tendencies.
the real question, however, is whether we will allow Satan to use those tendencies to control us and keep us down, or if we will accept God's truth--that we ARE overcomers, through Him--and rise above our own humanness.


Eleanor Roosevelt once said "friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
perhaps thats why my friendships are often very superficial. i am not a friend of myself, ergo true friendship with others is next to impossible.
what a tragedy... though i wish it disturbed me more. at the moment, superficial friendships seem to be enough. i dont care enough to change. i dont WANT to be a friend of myself cause that means i accept myself as i am--flaws and all--and i dont.

what a shame, what a shame, what a shame...


accept God's truth. it's the only thing that can save you.


::edit::
from a convo with my pal Jessie:

Jessie: i was explaining the other day that people telling you you're "beautiful" and stuff is really empty. cuz we were talking about self-esteem and all this and its damaging when people don't tell you that...but its damaging when they do, and then they don't value you. it's equally damaging to hear things about your body or your appearance but to not hear them about who you are.

Sarah: so true. so much so that when you DO hear that stuff, it almost makes you uncomfortable to hear it cause we so often DONT hear it, ergo we dont believe it because it's ingrained in us to believe the worst. those are the easier things to believe--the bad things.

Jessie: yeah i often do not believe it. what was hard for me is that it kept getting reinforced by empty things. i had an enormous struggle with self worth in the last 10 months, and that is the problem with allowing anyone to validate your beauty besides God.

i can still fit into one of my favorite t-shirts!! YAY!!!!!!!


my heart got stirred again yesterday for full time missions.
good. ive been in desperate need of a good stirring lately....


still trying to figure out what im doing with this life, at least for now.
rent's goin up so ive gotta find a new place to live, whether it be here in VA/DC or in someplace completely different--like Chicago, Denver, Seattle....
is it time for a new adventure?
how much change are we talkin about here, God? i feel like ive been playing it safe for so long....

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

i want to move to Seattle.

or Portland.

whichever one would take me, really....and allow me to keep my job.



tis all.

1. for additional income.
2. to mow the lawn/rake leaves/shovel snow.
3. to help me make sense of my finances (and understand what the heck APR is)
4. to carry heavy furniture.
5. to help with general house/car repairs.

and because i suppose i should have some sentimental reasons too:

6. for kissin' and cuddlin'.
7. to have someone to travel with.



tis all.

im really sick of these dreams ive been having.
theyre all of a disastrous nature.
first it was a herd of tornados ripping through my hometown and trying to kill off my entire family.
then it was...something else i cant quite remember (stupid dreams, so elusive), but again, trying to kill off my entire family,
and then last night i, in my selfishness, kill my best friend (long story as to how, but thats the gist).
good gracious, will the destruction ever end???
what is going ON???



on a happier note, i was at Target the other day.
thats it. yaaaaaaaaaaaaay Target!

no really, i was at Target and i picked up a few things...got to the cash register, set my items on the belt and noticed: everything i was getting was green.
green t shirt, green umbrella, and two packs of Stride wintergreen gum (YUM!)
kinda funny. the cashier even pointed it out.
how delightful, the little "funnies" of life.




kinda bombed in our worship set yesterday at church.
i had to lead two songs (half the freaking set! geesh) and i was horribly out of practice (my fault).
so every string i hit sounded twangy and my fingers hurt so badly by the end of it... but you know what, so long as Jesus loved it, thats all that matters, right?
still...i hate not stewarding my gifts well.
anyone have a travel guitar they want to give me??? so i can take it on trips? i used to carry Beulah everywhere i went but shes just so flippin' ostentatious... i hated the attention. but i also hate being out of practice....

please? maybe we can take up a fund..?

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church

Thanks be to theOnion.com (and Hilary) for this one:

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.

Our Father, the Almighty God, popped His all-powerful head into First Presbyterian Church Sunday.

Interrupting Pastor Terry Pridgen's sermon on His unending mercy, God appeared suddenly before His flock as an intense beam of white light, instantly dispersing the earthly forms of those seated in the first two pews. Sources said the remaining congregants had to avert their eyes from their Creator, whose booming celestial voice overwhelmed their worldly senses and humbled their hearts as He politely apologized for not calling first.

"I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt," God said unto church members, many of whom cowered in reverent fear of Him. "Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here."
The Supreme Being then thanked the choir for its "lovely introduction" and took a seat to the right of the altar.

According to wholly repentant witnesses, who were scarcely able to look upon the Alpha and Omega, much less conceive of the enormity of His Might, God did not speak again for the entirety of the service, but was seen nodding approvingly during the Nicene Creed.
Attendees reportedly did not ask the One Who Made Them Flesh why He had chosen to visit their small parish, though some suspected the church's new electric organ might have had something to do with it.

"I don't think anyone knew He was coming," said churchgoer Ron Stiehl, adding that, for once, he was happy his wife dragged him to church. "At least it seemed that way when He started walking toward us and everyone was yelling their heads off like it was Judgment Day."
"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller."

While God did not reveal unto man a reason for His visit—nor did He, in His great wisdom, offer to pay for the six stained-glass windows that shattered from the awesome power of His presence—the Almighty sat among His followers for the last 35 minutes of the Sunday service, as well as the free coffee and pastries that followed.

Sources said that Our Father sat alone eating two cinnamon-sugar doughnuts, and was approached only once, when 5-year-old Jeremy Pacheco tried to hug the omnipotent deity. The boy's parents immediately yanked him away.

The other 112 church members avoided God entirely, and reacted to His continued stay with a mix of astonishment, confusion, fearful reverence, and the sublime inner peace that comes with the knowledge of a power greater than oneself.

"I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn't sure if it's still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly," Wendy Alston said. "And I didn't dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed."

"Oh dear God," said 72-year-old church volunteer Michael Sharpe, completely enraptured by the materialization of the One True Creator before his very eyes. "Oh, dear God in heaven."
Since the Almighty's decision to stop by the First Presbyterian Church, the theological world has been thrown into chaos. Presbyterian leaders said God's appearance was indisputable proof that their denomination is the one true faith, but afternoon sightings of the Lord at two other Fayetteville churches, as well as one synagogue, have cast doubt on that theory.

"God said He just wanted to see what we were up to," Pastor Pridgen said. "This is His house, after all. He can drop in whenever He wants."

"Although, you'd think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter," the pastor added.
"Not that I'm complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?"

um…well. As per custom with the Onion, the truth—wrapped as it may be in witty, sarcastic mock journalism—still makes a glaringly blatant appearance. This actually humbles my heart quite a bit. How often do we act this way towards the Almighty, as though He doesn’t belong in our pitiful “worship services”? As though he is UNINVITED?)