my hair can be WAVY!!!



you have no idea what a triumph this is
for two and a half decades, i have been confined by the misunderstanding that my hair was "straight"
but alas, a revelation!
it has LIFE to it!

(ok, so i had to work at it a little bit,
but that doesn't nullify the end result)

lately...

i didnt sing at church today.
i could have--i knew yesterday evening that i would be around for it
but i just...needed to NOT sing...for a change.
i needed to not be in any spotlight,
to not be preoccupied with how i appear and be so wrapped up in singing that i dont think about the meaning of the words.
i needed a break.
i needed to think...
to remember Who this is all for
and why im even here.

admittedly, i think ive become a bit of an attention whore.
inadvertently, mind you.
work doesnt help...i think its probably what started it all.
being stared at all day, all because of this bloody uniform and the fact that im one of the younger ones wearing it.
passengers seem to like that...
sometimes i feel like...i dont know how to put this delicately...........a piece of meat?
i can usually tune it out by not looking them in the eyes, but i still KNOW theyre looking
(why, though??? im not exactly a Kate Beckinsale or Angelina Jolie... not even CLOSE. what's the big deal?)
anywho...work as gotten me used to being on display
and now im starting struggle with it as a member of our worship team.
im starting to LIKE the attention....and really, thats what worries me the most.
granted, that doesnt mean i should STOP singing with the team... it just means i need to quit making this about me. it never has been, it never will be, and i dont WANT it to be.
i need Jesus to help me nip this thing in the bud, and i need to quit letting my guard down.
Satan's schemes are many and subtle...
he'd love nothing more than to get us thinking that this is all about us.

"if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"

but my JESUS
my JESUS is my rock and my strength
my fortress
my strong tower of refuge


this is all for HIS glory and HIS praise.



(my walk has been more of a crawl lately... oh Lord, im so sorry.....)

For You

My sweet Jesus,
I love you.
And I'm trying so hard.
It's not so easy,
down here anymore.
Everyone just treats me,
like I'm crazy or something.
Sometimes I feel like I am,
because no one seems to understand.

But if I'm a fool, I'm a fool for you.
And if I'm alive, I'm living just for you.
If I sing a song, then I sing for you.
I sing all day long, in everything I do.

My sweet Jesus,
I'm sorry,
that I let you down again.
It's not so easy,
Down here anymore.
Everyone just treats me,
like I'm crazy or something.
And sometimes, I feel like I am.
Because no one seems to understand.

But if I'm a fool, I'm a fool for you.
and if I'm alive, I'm living just for you.
If I sing a song, then I sing for you.
I sing all day long, in everything I do...

i weighed myself today, for the first time in 2 and a half years.

and it wasn't as bad as i was expecting.

granted, it WAS bad.
but not AS bad as i feared.

so.
i guess thats something.

attraction

Mutual attraction really is so nice.

I just noticed a guy noticing me as we walked through a nearly empty O'Hare terminal.
I was heading one way, he was going the other...
Turned back for another look just when he did.
Smiles were exchanged.
Walking continued.
Another glance back was met with another glance from him.
Bigger smiles.
More walking.
Another glance, another smile...
I laughed at our game.
From what I could tell, he was just as amused.

Sadly, however, thats usually where it ends.
But for those brief moments of "possibility", the heart leaps, and hope is once again fanned into flame.
And the thought lingers, "Maybe...just maybe.....someday.............."

what ive learned from sorting through my 2007 receipts:

.:: i spend WAAAYYYY too much money at Starbucks.
.:: i use a surprising amount of gas for not driving a car every day.
.:: international receipts...i have NO idea what to do with those. especially the ones in Japanese.
.:: last year, i spend over $1000 in car repairs.
.:: a room service bill, paid on the morning of 01/01/08 but ordered on 12/31/07 may not count on my 2007 deductions
.:: throwing all your receipts in an H&M bag over the course of a year is probably not the most efficient filing system around.



if i had a garden gnome, i would name him Maximus Giovani Aristotle Smith.
or something to that effect.
maybe not Aristotle..
maybe...Abujabe.
or....just plain Bob.


i need a haircut.
badly.
but i cant think of anything creative to do with it.
thoughts..?




so, random turn-around:
i think i can relate a bit to Angela Chase
case in point:

-"i thought at least by the age of [25] i would have a love life.
but i dont even have a LIKE life."

- "i think part of him is partly interested in you, definitely. but, i mean, he's got other things on his mind..."
- "but that's the part that's so unfair--i have NOTHING else on my mind.
how come I have to be the one sitting around analyzing him in, like, microscopic detail, and HE gets to be the one with OTHER things on his mind?"

eeeeexactly.


just a few of my favorite things:

.:: laundromats ::.

.:: the nephew ::.

Here in persistence I've sat on this doorstep and cried
I've pounded
Waiting for answers to questions I would not let die
Confounded
Above all my knocking I hear you
Tell me its time to move on
To abandon the hope I have clung to
Holding out for a key for so long...

If I lay this down for You,
Trusting your wisdom and strength to see me through,
I'd be walking away from my dream and desire
For reasons much higher
Than I could aspire to know,
If I finally let it all go for You...

I thought for awhile you'd come to my senses and see my reasons
With all my persuasion, you'd open eventually,
In season.
Stubborn and certain, I've pleaded,
Knocking with all of my might
Sure this was all that I needed
For an echo of hope I have tried

If I lay this down for You,
Trusting your wisdom and strength to see me through,
I'd be walking away from my dream and desire
For reasons much higher
Than I could aspire to know,
If I finally let it all go for You...

good gracious, thats SO hard to do.
to let it go...even for a prize as great as Him.
makes me wonder what i need to lay down....
so many aspirations and desires lie within my heart...and who knows? maybe he desires to give them to me.
but then again, maybe theyre things i need to let go of for good...

much easier said than done.


a rather thought-provoking statement recently crossed my path:
"Don't assume that every bright and noble idea in a godly man's mind is of Me."

there seem to be a good number of "noble ideas" floating around in my head, things i want to do for God.
but if he hasn't called me to do them and yet i DO, then i'm going against his will for me,
and that's straight up disobedience.


hmm...
really makes you think twice, doesn't it?





so....i still need to do my taxes.
im really an idiot for waiting this long....
i also need to move..
and do my IPTE training for our new aircraft....
and do my online "homework" for my recurrent safety training at the end of this month...
and play Beulah, and study Russian, and get a new cell phone, and do my bible study homework..and return my jeans...and pay my bills....and get a picture re-framed.....and lose weight.......and decide if i'm going to photograph Nichole's wedding...........

ohhhhhh lordy, i'm over it all already.



guide me, sweet Jesus.

why does it always have to come at you all at once?

today is a stressful one.
between trying to get two friends out of LAX where theyve been stuck in the airport for the past 13 hours,
trying to coordinate my own flight for tomorrow,
trying to get off work on saturday so i dont have to try to get home tomorrow,
and trying to coordinate the exchange of a vacuum cleaner with my sister's bro-in-law somewhere on route 49 tomorrow.....

yeah.
stressful.

but ironically, the rest of my stay has been nothing but lovely.
as always.
these people are nothing short of amazing.
talking with them, being with them, reminds me how terribly blessed i am.
it makes leaving so hard...



im beginning to question (only slightly) my decision to stay in Virginia.
for now, yes, i will stay.
but im floating there...floating instead of doing.
i could be so much more active in my ministry passions in Chicago.
why im not taking advantage of such an opportunity is...a wonder.

but where He leads i will follow,
in His perfect timing.

. : : things : : .

. : : i can now play Hey There Delilah quasi-decently on my guitar--the way its played in the recording, mind you, all plucky like.
im struggle with finger picking and the like, so i consider this a great accomplishment.
(and dont judge me for the song. i like it, even if it is overplayed)

. : : i got asked to photograph a friend's wedding in England.
no idea if i'll actually do it, but it feels nice to be asked.

. : : Prince Caspian is a crazy awesome book that's got Jesus coming out of every line, crease and tittle.
give it a read, if you never have. you won't regret a second of it.
(i particularly enjoy Lewis's playful British idioms, such as "By george, he's a brick, that Trumpkin". HA! brilliant!)

. : : why are there outlets on the ceiling at Starbucks? i dont get it.

. : : we're singing the Sufjan Steven's song To Be Alone With You at our Easter service this sunday.
my church pretty much rocks.

. : : i have a thing for laundromats...



(particularly ones in Brussels with orange washers and dryers)

peeves and uncertainty

i hate it when people use adverbs incorrectly.
it's not "drive careful" or "act different"
ADD THE FREAKING "LY"!!!
you're killin' me, Smalls!


(there is absolutely nothing new to report)





::edit::
i am continually wondering if im "ready"
(in regards to SO many things in my life),
and i think the answer is still no.

but....are we ever really ready?
i mean, maybe we are, but we just dont feel like it.

i hope thats the case here, cause i really WANT to be ready.
the next phase would be nice... i could use the change.

sometimes i can't believe i get paid to do what i do.
other times, i can't believe i don't get paid more to do what i do.

photoshop excites me.
as do sunny days, beautiful photography at unique coffee shops, and old friends.
oh and tile floors.
i love tile floors,
cool ceramic under my bare feet...

i cant believe im vacationing in the desert.
ME, of all people.
ME, who loves mountains, cool breezes, and all things green and leafy.


anyone want to go to russia with me?
seriously.
i want to go, but not alone.

i had a really, REALLY good dream last night.
it was truly SUCH a bummer to have to wake up this morning...

in my dream, i met this guy (only in the dream he looked like a mix of himself and Jared Leto):


during a layover in LA
and we struck up a friendship.
hung out for several days,
made his ex-girlfriend jealous,
AND, in the dream, he was a Christian.

it was the craziest thing,
but the dream felt so REAL.
like, nothing was terribly outlandish or absurd, as dreams usually go.


here are my predictions as to WHY i had this dream last night:

* 2 nights ago i was watching some of the latest episodes of this guy's show
(Friday Night Lights) and checking out his bio and stats online
(cause im a silly girl like that)

* last night, i visited briefly with my grandpa, and one of the first things out of his mouth was:
"so are you married yet?"
typical. we seem to always come around to that subject during our visits these days....

*during dinner with mumsy, we talked a lot about Heath and Hollywood, and the great need
for more Christians in the entertainment industry

* somewhere between visiting grandpa and going to bed, i watched the latest episode of
My So-Called Life on abc.com, and, well, lets just say NOTHING about that episode
was conducive to aiding in my commitment to NOT dwell on guys and kissing and
such things of the romantical sort.

ergo...

.:: cue dream ::.

his weekend has drained me.

at an meeting on saturday afternoon, my church--my little movie theater church that i've grown to love so dearly--received the news that our pastor, Ben, is stepping down from the position, after 6 years of laboring with this church plant.
they're burned out, he and his wife, and since his primary gifting is to plant and not necessarily shepherd and pastor, he feels hes now doing more harm than good, and is not able to help the body grow into all it could be.

you know, it really breaks my heart, not so much that he's no longer going to be our pastor (though that is distressing enough), but that he and his wife and their 2 precious little boys will be leaving.
gone. absent. no longer a part of RCC.
theyre our FRIENDS
our FAMILY.
its like....losing a part of us.
we have relationships with these people--they KNOW us, love us and care for us. theyre intertwined in our lives, and now, suddenly...theyre gone.

lots of tears were shed yesterday.
none of us saw it coming, really.... but Ben and Ainsley have prayed about it, turned it over and over again in their heads, and they feel its time...and as their brothers and sisters in Christ, we're supporting them.

but saying goodbye is SO so very hard...

today reminded me much of the Friends finale.
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel and Joey have helped Chandler and Monica move the last boxes, theyve all turned in their keys...
then they hug goodbye, and ask,
"so, do you have to leave right away or do you have some time? maybe we could get one last cup of coffee...?"
that was today. the lingering, the long hugs goodbye....."do you have to leave right away? maybe we could have one last brunch...?"
the friendships dont end, but we all know things will never be the same again.


but we're committed to this church and this ministry.
the church isnt about Ben--its about JESUS.
THATS who we're here for.

and so we press on.


"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thess. 5:16-18



bind us together, Lord...

the evening's one flaw

“i never thought we’d make it out alive
i never told you but it’s all in your goodbyes
it’s all in your goodbyes…”

the song resonates in her ears, and her heart leaps in anticipation—someone is calling her.
a quick glance at her phone reveals an unfamiliar number
hmm…slight disappointment—it’s not him…
shake it off, shake it off, this could be better
(its amazing the vast array of possibilities that can race through one's mind in the amount of time it takes to answer a ringing phone)

“hello?”—she tries to pull off nonchalance, though her enthusiasm is difficult to mask.

“hello?” pause. “who is this?”

“who is this?”—her reply to the stranger’s questioning tone

“sorry—I think I have the wrong number”

*click*

shoot.
of course you do..
because my mother and sister are the only ones who ever have the RIGHT number...

its happening again...

will i ever beat it?
will the Lord ever lift this burden from my heart?

i want to be free
but the chains are somehow charming...

and im a sucker for charm

www.xanga.com/zoesophia

<3

so....its been awhile
i must say, its funny how life changes
and how life changes you.

time is passing....has, in fact, already passed.
much has happened..... feelings have changed. my heart has gone through a lot....
memories are sweet but distant.
much is distant.....

im starting over.
a new life....
its still in the works (but isnt it always?)
someday i'll be doing missions fulltime, but for now im looking into careers to pay off school debt......

but i cant wait to go.
OH i just cant WAIT!
im becomming more and more ready to go ANYWHERE....
i just want to help people,
im through trying to impress.
im through trying to get a life mate and all that distracting stuff.....
its just me and God right now and im doing just fine with that.
right now, this is exactly how it needs to be, so im going to enjoy it


leave your thoughts at the beep.

oh stab and twist.
:-/

how lovely. she gets an "youre amazing, i adore you" comment and im left with no comment and still no email. its been over a week.
is avoidance just some preservation/survival thing?
or am i missing something here?
man, distance and time are great in many ways, but they definitely dont help in the speculation/analyzing department. ive got barely anything to work with so what i DO have makes my mind jump to crazy conclusions.
one of my worse fears is that theyre not so crazy....

im sick of this relationship crap. even friendships are too much of an effort. why do we want them so badly? singleness is truly such a great option.
its solid. its reliable.

right now im torn between crying and embracing the "freedom" this presents.
not that it wasnt presented before...cause it was. too often, in fact.
but its getting easier to let go.
i guess thats good....

but im scared.
maybe its fear that motivates all of this....

"there is no worse death than the loss of hope"

i dont think its really him i want or miss... i...just like the idea. he provided something for me....a new possibility and hope..... sort of. thats part of it. the other part is....well, we have history now. i miss his memory.... and, well, him.

blast.

cant i just get a cute emo shaggy haired boy?




<--like that?

























dang.
maybe i should quite pining after "my type".
the "my type" guys never seem to work out

so....maybe i'll start writing in here, since no one knows i exist here and i can probably pour out my heart without causing too much of a ruckus.

i hurt right now. and im sick of hurting. i dont like just being friends.... why? i dont know. is he who i want anyway? maybe its just cause he's another "possibility" that ive now lost. why do i care so much now? i had so many doubts when we were "together" (not dating but "liking"), but now that we're not, and im far away, im seeing all the good things. why cant i see the bad anymore? are they still there? do they bug me still? this is how i work, unfortunatley...when i remember things, the good things about a person or place in my memory are the things that stick around and the bad stuff kinda fades out. in this case it messes everything up. part of me is still holding on to him and its like now that i really dont have him, i want him. i wish i could just wipe it all out of my memory and be fine with it but now he's in there--he has a place in my past and when that happens, we suddenly have "history" and that just makes it more appealing..... and man, i dont want to start over with someone else. he had "possibility". he opened up a whole new world for me, and now i want that world more than any other. i hate pouring myself into something that ends up just being nothing. its such a waste. i feel like this was all a waste.

i miss him.
a lot.
and i dont quite know how to handle the place im suddenly in.
i dont know how to talk to him anymore.
all my emails turn bitter and thats not how i intend for them to be....but he just makes me angry now and i dont know why. maybe cause im not getting what i want.
am i spoiled? the idea makes me laugh, cause its not like im used to getting what i want when it comes to relationships. that pretty much never happens. maybe im just sick of the losing game. maybe im sick of never getting what i want.
im fed up
i wanted it to finally work for once
when we were together i saw all the reasons why it couldnt or shouldnt work
but now that we're apart, he's all i want.

why do i do that?
is that normal for me?
is this how it will always be?

when did i suddenly become so eager to relinquish my freedom and be in a relationship?
i dont get it....i think im still at a point though that if i WAS in a relationship with him, i probably wouldnt want it.
maybe im just a person who doesnt know what she wants
or who always wants what she doesnt have....and then when she does get it, she doesnt want it anymore....

UGHHHHHHHH so frustrating

i dont wish i had never met him. i feel like he turned my world upside down in so many of the right ways. he freed me, in a way....
but now what?
did i want him just because he provided an excuse to be in the UK?
did i want him because we had the same ministry goals?
i found my "share the vision" bracelet yesterday.
i dont know what to do with it now.

is there someone better out there?
was i settling with him?
or will i be settling with someone else?
im sick of this game.....i dont want anyone else. i dont want to make this effort all over again....
i felt like with him i suddenly had direction...
but maybe i was planning too much of my life out again and thats why God took him away...
but is it just for a time?
is there any hope left to hold to?

i let him convince me that we were right together
but now he doesnt want me like that
i feel like he played with my heart, and that we used each other,
but not on purpose, really....
it just happened. we were testing waters....but we still ended up hurt

i wish i knew if he was as hurt as i am right now...
i wish i knew what he was thinking.
is there someone else?
is he still trying to get over me?
does he like me at all?

was he just something to crave?

(i am continually finding common bonds between myself and Alanis Morisette.
maybe we're meant to be best friends or something, liking guys until we have them, then not wanting them anymore....
but then wanting them again when we suddenly dont have them.
but she has one now so i guess thats a moot point.)

it....really just stinks.
a lot.
i hate putting myself out there and getting let down time after time.
i think...im just in a place where i dont know what i want.

its pretty solid right now that we are strictly friends. thats all are emails are about anymore. he doesnt even tell me about his life or anything, just that he does have a peace about us just being friends. and the i dont hear from him for like a week and then i get another email and it says the same type of thing. no random thoughts or typical friend talk...just more lines saying that he's sure thats what we need to be.
i think ive gotten the picture by now. you dont need to keep sticking and resticking the needle in the already achy spot.
but i dont even know why i want him so much...or if i even do.
maybe im just missing the idea of him or something.
"just friends" only works if both sides are completely over each other... otherwise most of the time, you might have to make some space. i dont think the space thing will be as much of a problem though this time since it seems its just happening naturally...there's an entire atlantic ocean of space...
why is life like this? over and over again, its the same thing...
i feel like ive gone through enough heart ache, you know? havent i learned my lesson?
why does God see fit to keep slapping more on me?
or is it my fault? maybe im the one messing up....seeking it out when its something im not ready for...and then i just end up hurting myself.