the nephew quoting his Bible verse:
"Jesus died for my sins, the Bible says. He was buried and rose again on the third day, the Bible says"
1 Corinthians 15:3-4

what happened to my "unconventional, adventurous life" dream?

is this it?

did i sell out?

am i playing it safe?

it sure feels like it, especially when there are people out there like this, doing crazy awesome stuff with their lives for the Lord:

who do you confide in?

who do you pour your heart out to?

who do you share your problems, your longings, your frustrations with?

i talk to Jesus about these things, but i'm ashamed to admit that it doesn't always feel like enough.
sadly though, good friends are hard to come by, and even the best will let us down.
they won't be there for you 100% of the time; they won't always have hours to devote to hashing out your latest tale of woe; they wont always have a free shoulder for you to cry on. and vice versa, YOU wont always have moments to devote to THEM when they need you.
we are human--it's just our way.

so what do we do? journal? blog? post things to the great Void via Twitter/Facebook in hopes that somebody--ANYbody--will hear and care?

does this really do any good?
what do YOU do when your conversations with God don't seem like enough?

the topsy-turviness of our world just breaks my heart sometimes. LORD, open eyes! open hearts! we need YOU. your way is truth.

my heart breaks for people who have been (and are currently being) subtly deceived by false prophets.
that's Satan's favorite technique, i think.
and it's MADDENING.

"...and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people."
Matthew 24:11

"But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed."

2 Peter 2:1-2

"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves."
Matthew 7:15

how does drama come to the peacemaker--the one person who tries to avoid drama at all costs? simple: avoidance of issues causes more drama.

i love avoidance. but apparently im the only one.

i do not like confrontation or making a big deal of things. i'm content to let issues, squabbles, tensions, etc. work themselves out over time, cause thats usually what it takes--time and prayer. so why must we always talk? some things are better left unsaid.

What is my motivation?

Sometimes I wonder if I need to just step back from my current church involvements and reassess why I'm really there. Is it cause they let me sing? Or do I truly share their passion and goals? We love the same Lord...is that enough? Does my love for this body of believers outweigh my seemingly-unshakable frustrations?

i love home.

"Go back to the grass roots. Open your hearts and search the Scriptures. Bear your cross, follow your Lord and pay no heed to the passing religious vogue. The masses are always wrong. In every generation the number of the righteous are small. Be sure you are among them." (A.W. Tozer, The Root of the Righteous)

quit trying to model other people's fruit.

our eyes should not be on the fruit but the roots of the fruit.

model the Word.

model the Spirit.

get back to the root of it all, and dont be afraid if the fruit God bears in you looks a little different than other people's.

so many days of being with friends and having things to do makes the empty days feel so much lonelier.

restless.

today i want someone to want me.

that is all.

i am not an understudy or 2nd-stringer that you can just cue in when it's most convenient for you.
that's not how this works.

July 25

You do not realize now what I am doing,but later you will understand.
(John 13:7)

In this life, we have an incomplete view of God’s dealings, seeing His plan only half finished and underdeveloped. Yet once we stand in the magnificent temple of eternity, we will have the proper perspective and will see everything fitting gracefully together!

Imagine going to the mountains of Lebanon during the reign of Israel’s great king Solomon. Can you see the majestic cedar? It is the pride of all the other trees and has wrestled many years with the cold north winds! The summer sun has loved to smile upon it, while the night has caused its soft leaves to glisten with drops of dew. Birds have built their nests in its branches, and weary travelers and wandering shepherds have rested in its shade from the midday heat or taken shelter from the raging storms. And suddenly we realize that this old inhabitant of the forest has been doomed to fall victim to the woodsman’s ax!

We watch as the ax makes its first gash on the cedar’s gnarled trunk. Then we see its noble limbs stripped of their branches as the tree comes crashing to the ground. We cry out against the wanton destruction of this “Tree of God,” as it is distinctively known, and express our anger over the demolition of this proud pillar in the forest temple of nature. We are tempted to exclaim with the prophet Zechariah, “Wail, O pine tree, for the cedar has fallen . . . !” (Zech. 11:2), as if inviting the sympathy of every less-majestic plant and invoking inanimate things to also resent the offense.

We should not be so quick to complain but should follow the gigantic tree as the workmen of “Hiram king of Tyre” (2 Chron. 2:3) take it down the mountainside. From there we should watch it being sailed on rafts along the blue water of the Mediterranean. And finally, we should behold it being placed as a glorious and polished beam in the temple of God. As you contemplate its final destination, seeing it in the Holy of Holies as a jewel in the diadem of the almighty King, can you honestly complain that this “crown jewel of Lebanon” was cut down, removed from the forest, and placed in such a noble setting? The cedar had once stood majestically in nature’s sanctuary, but “the glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house” (Hag. 2:9).

So many people are like these cedars of old! God’s axes of trials have stripped them bare, and yet we can see no reason for such harsh and difficult circumstances. But God has a noble goal and purpose in mind: to place them as everlasting pillars and rafters in His heavenly Zion. And He says to them, “You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God” (Isa. 62:3). J. R. Macduff

I do not ask my cross to understand,

My way to see—

Better in darkness just to feel Your hand,

And follow Thee.

i've been feeling a little misplaced lately.

a little lonely, a little forgotten, a little...purposeless.

i'm at one of those glorious points where i dont feel like i fit anywhere and i'm not needed anywhere.

it's more than a little depressing.

i am, however, achingly aware that Satan is manipulating my feelings and trying to use them to make me feel unnecessary and sad. he'd love to keep me down, but God's truth holds me upright.

i know feelings can't be trusted.

i'm just praying this bout passes quickly and God will fill my heart with hope.

why is it that i'm even bothering anymore? Lord, please, PLEASE tell me why i should bother. i so very much want to just run away home.

"If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

Psalm 55 is currently speaking to all of my instincts:

"Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest--I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm."

Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us,

Son of God and Man, You are high and lifted up

and all the world will praise YOUR GREAT NAME

WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,

Which was my sin, though it were done before?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run,

And do run still, though still I do deplore?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;

For I have more.

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won

Others to sin, and made my sins their door?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun

A year or two, but wallow'd in a score?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;

For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun

My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;

But swear by Thyself that at my death Thy Son

Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore:

And having done that, Thou hast done;

I fear no more.

my SIN, O the bliss of this glorious thought

my SIN, not in part but the whole

is nailed to the cross

and i bear it no more

PRAISE THE LORD

PRAISE THE LORD, O MY SOUL

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love."
Psalm 145:8

PRAISE GOD, from whom all blessings flow.