Tuesday, June 23, 2009

why do we try so hard to make people love us? why do our spirits compel us to gain everyone else's admiration in order to feel adequate in and of ourselves?

someone once said that "only by comparison are we able to feel inferior"
i find this so true in my life.
every day i look in the mirror and think, "hey im not so bad"
but then i open the door and go to pieces in the face of the world.
i tear myself down, bit by bit, through everyone i see
thinking "man if only i had eyes like that" or "a figure like that", or "if only i was as good at that" or "more confident in that" or "more skilled in that".
then the me i know gradually becomes the me i have no desire to be
and slowly, ever so subtly, i lose myself.

why? is it just destined to be that way? am I just destined to always have this struggle?
is this the thorn in my side that i, like Paul, will always wrestle with?
perhaps it is my cross to bear in this life: my own inadequacy.
i think we're all programmed to struggle more with certain "sins" and trials,
whether it be alcoholism, gossip, self-destruction, homosexuality, selfishness, lust, body issues,
or any other various and assorted human tendencies.
the real question, however, is whether we will allow Satan to use those tendencies to control us and keep us down, or if we will accept God's truth--that we ARE overcomers, through Him--and rise above our own humanness.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
perhaps thats why my friendships are often very superficial. i am not a friend of myself, ergo true friendship with others is next to impossible.
what a tragedy... though i wish it disturbed me more. at the moment, superficial friendships seem to be enough. i dont care enough to change. i dont WANT to be a friend of myself cause that means i accept myself as i am--flaws and all--and i dont.

what a shame, what a shame, what a shame...

accept God's truth. it's the only thing that can save you.


from a convo with my pal Jessie:

Jessie: i was explaining the other day that people telling you you're "beautiful" and stuff is really empty. cuz we were talking about self-esteem and all this and its damaging when people don't tell you that...but its damaging when they do, and then they don't value you. it's equally damaging to hear things about your body or your appearance but to not hear them about who you are.

Sarah: so true. so much so that when you DO hear that stuff, it almost makes you uncomfortable to hear it cause we so often DONT hear it, ergo we dont believe it because it's ingrained in us to believe the worst. those are the easier things to believe--the bad things.

Jessie: yeah i often do not believe it. what was hard for me is that it kept getting reinforced by empty things. i had an enormous struggle with self worth in the last 10 months, and that is the problem with allowing anyone to validate your beauty besides God.

Monday, June 08, 2009

i can still fit into one of my favorite t-shirts!! YAY!!!!!!!

my heart got stirred again yesterday for full time missions.
good. ive been in desperate need of a good stirring lately....

still trying to figure out what im doing with this life, at least for now.
rent's goin up so ive gotta find a new place to live, whether it be here in VA/DC or in someplace completely different--like Chicago, Denver, Seattle....
is it time for a new adventure?
how much change are we talkin about here, God? i feel like ive been playing it safe for so long....

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget