Thursday, November 12, 2009
The very dying form of One who suffered there for me;
And from my smitten heart with tears, two wonders I confess,
The wonders of His glorious love, and my unworthiness.
And then I take, O cross, your shadow for my abiding place;
I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of Your face;
Content to let the world go by, to know no gain or loss.
My sinful self my only shame, my glory all the cross.
-Elizabeth C. Clephane-
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
i guess i was on a 1 Peter kick cause thats where most of em are from.
i stuck the notecards inside my journal, and then inside my bible, and eventually they scattered about in my purse, and somehow one of them ended up folded up inside of the pocket of my work uniform.
i dont know how or why this one is the one that ended up there, but upon reading it i realized this is one i should probably read every time before i go to work:
1 Peter 4:7-10
so difficult, yet so necessary.
its amazing how much that verse affects my attitude when i pray it back to God..
Friday, September 04, 2009
but i dont really have anything to say.
so.....uh, how's it goin?
you doin good?
im doin good. pretty great actually.
im about to be an aunt to ANOTHER neice or nephew.
my current nephew is growing like a weed and his smiles and kisses can brighten my mood for days on end.
speaking of being happy, i found a tv channel that shows Happy Days 4 times a day.
and not 2 days after discovering it did i get to see my all-time favorite episode (yes, thats right: THE BROWN SUIT!!)
you cant beat that, not with a stick, bat, or cello bow.
other happy news:
*i didnt get furloughed from my airline.
*i recently got one of the best paychecks ive gotten in 2 years.
*i invited the nice Whole Foods guy to church and he's actually coming.
*been taking lots of pretty pictures :)
*i turned 27 (this isnt necessarily happy, but it is news)
*been playing lots of tennis with Melissa (and i use "playing" loosely. i definitely wont be facing off with Serena anytime soon...)
oh yes, and Ally and i tried a Dragonfruit.
have you ever seen a Dragonfruit?
its got to be one of the prettiest fruits in the world--bright hot pink on the outside and a practically neon purple/magenta color on the inside. INSANE!!!
but it tastes nasty.
ive had a great urge lately to do some origami.
like this Klingon Bird of Prey:
Spock would be so proud.
tomorrow i play tennis at 10:45 and then go to Zumba at 1:30.
and after that, i die.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
someone once said that "only by comparison are we able to feel inferior"
i find this so true in my life.
every day i look in the mirror and think, "hey im not so bad"
but then i open the door and go to pieces in the face of the world.
i tear myself down, bit by bit, through everyone i see
thinking "man if only i had eyes like that" or "a figure like that", or "if only i was as good at that" or "more confident in that" or "more skilled in that".
then the me i know gradually becomes the me i have no desire to be
and slowly, ever so subtly, i lose myself.
why? is it just destined to be that way? am I just destined to always have this struggle?
is this the thorn in my side that i, like Paul, will always wrestle with?
perhaps it is my cross to bear in this life: my own inadequacy.
i think we're all programmed to struggle more with certain "sins" and trials,
whether it be alcoholism, gossip, self-destruction, homosexuality, selfishness, lust, body issues,
or any other various and assorted human tendencies.
the real question, however, is whether we will allow Satan to use those tendencies to control us and keep us down, or if we will accept God's truth--that we ARE overcomers, through Him--and rise above our own humanness.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
perhaps thats why my friendships are often very superficial. i am not a friend of myself, ergo true friendship with others is next to impossible.
what a tragedy... though i wish it disturbed me more. at the moment, superficial friendships seem to be enough. i dont care enough to change. i dont WANT to be a friend of myself cause that means i accept myself as i am--flaws and all--and i dont.
what a shame, what a shame, what a shame...
accept God's truth. it's the only thing that can save you.
from a convo with my pal Jessie:
Jessie: i was explaining the other day that people telling you you're "beautiful" and stuff is really empty. cuz we were talking about self-esteem and all this and its damaging when people don't tell you that...but its damaging when they do, and then they don't value you. it's equally damaging to hear things about your body or your appearance but to not hear them about who you are.
Sarah: so true. so much so that when you DO hear that stuff, it almost makes you uncomfortable to hear it cause we so often DONT hear it, ergo we dont believe it because it's ingrained in us to believe the worst. those are the easier things to believe--the bad things.
Jessie: yeah i often do not believe it. what was hard for me is that it kept getting reinforced by empty things. i had an enormous struggle with self worth in the last 10 months, and that is the problem with allowing anyone to validate your beauty besides God.
Monday, June 08, 2009
my heart got stirred again yesterday for full time missions.
good. ive been in desperate need of a good stirring lately....
still trying to figure out what im doing with this life, at least for now.
rent's goin up so ive gotta find a new place to live, whether it be here in VA/DC or in someplace completely different--like Chicago, Denver, Seattle....
is it time for a new adventure?
how much change are we talkin about here, God? i feel like ive been playing it safe for so long....
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.
No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.
I can finally breathe.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.
This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.
No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.
I can finally breathe.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.
I can finally breathe.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
2. to mow the lawn/rake leaves/shovel snow.
3. to help me make sense of my finances (and understand what the heck APR is)
4. to carry heavy furniture.
5. to help with general house/car repairs.
and because i suppose i should have some sentimental reasons too:
6. for kissin' and cuddlin'.
7. to have someone to travel with.
Monday, May 11, 2009
theyre all of a disastrous nature.
first it was a herd of tornados ripping through my hometown and trying to kill off my entire family.
then it was...something else i cant quite remember (stupid dreams, so elusive), but again, trying to kill off my entire family,
and then last night i, in my selfishness, kill my best friend (long story as to how, but thats the gist).
good gracious, will the destruction ever end???
what is going ON???
on a happier note, i was at Target the other day.
thats it. yaaaaaaaaaaaaay Target!
no really, i was at Target and i picked up a few things...got to the cash register, set my items on the belt and noticed: everything i was getting was green.
green t shirt, green umbrella, and two packs of Stride wintergreen gum (YUM!)
kinda funny. the cashier even pointed it out.
how delightful, the little "funnies" of life.
kinda bombed in our worship set yesterday at church.
i had to lead two songs (half the freaking set! geesh) and i was horribly out of practice (my fault).
so every string i hit sounded twangy and my fingers hurt so badly by the end of it... but you know what, so long as Jesus loved it, thats all that matters, right?
still...i hate not stewarding my gifts well.
anyone have a travel guitar they want to give me??? so i can take it on trips? i used to carry Beulah everywhere i went but shes just so flippin' ostentatious... i hated the attention. but i also hate being out of practice....
please? maybe we can take up a fund..?
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Thanks be to theOnion.com (and Hilary) for this one:
FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.
Our Father, the Almighty God, popped His all-powerful head into First Presbyterian Church Sunday.
Interrupting Pastor Terry Pridgen's sermon on His unending mercy, God appeared suddenly before His flock as an intense beam of white light, instantly dispersing the earthly forms of those seated in the first two pews. Sources said the remaining congregants had to avert their eyes from their Creator, whose booming celestial voice overwhelmed their worldly senses and humbled their hearts as He politely apologized for not calling first.
"I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt," God said unto church members, many of whom cowered in reverent fear of Him. "Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here."
The Supreme Being then thanked the choir for its "lovely introduction" and took a seat to the right of the altar.
According to wholly repentant witnesses, who were scarcely able to look upon the Alpha and Omega, much less conceive of the enormity of His Might, God did not speak again for the entirety of the service, but was seen nodding approvingly during the Nicene Creed.
Attendees reportedly did not ask the One Who Made Them Flesh why He had chosen to visit their small parish, though some suspected the church's new electric organ might have had something to do with it.
"I don't think anyone knew He was coming," said churchgoer Ron Stiehl, adding that, for once, he was happy his wife dragged him to church. "At least it seemed that way when He started walking toward us and everyone was yelling their heads off like it was Judgment Day."
"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller."
While God did not reveal unto man a reason for His visit—nor did He, in His great wisdom, offer to pay for the six stained-glass windows that shattered from the awesome power of His presence—the Almighty sat among His followers for the last 35 minutes of the Sunday service, as well as the free coffee and pastries that followed.
Sources said that Our Father sat alone eating two cinnamon-sugar doughnuts, and was approached only once, when 5-year-old Jeremy Pacheco tried to hug the omnipotent deity. The boy's parents immediately yanked him away.
The other 112 church members avoided God entirely, and reacted to His continued stay with a mix of astonishment, confusion, fearful reverence, and the sublime inner peace that comes with the knowledge of a power greater than oneself.
"I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn't sure if it's still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly," Wendy Alston said. "And I didn't dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed."
"Oh dear God," said 72-year-old church volunteer Michael Sharpe, completely enraptured by the materialization of the One True Creator before his very eyes. "Oh, dear God in heaven."
Since the Almighty's decision to stop by the First Presbyterian Church, the theological world has been thrown into chaos. Presbyterian leaders said God's appearance was indisputable proof that their denomination is the one true faith, but afternoon sightings of the Lord at two other Fayetteville churches, as well as one synagogue, have cast doubt on that theory.
"God said He just wanted to see what we were up to," Pastor Pridgen said. "This is His house, after all. He can drop in whenever He wants."
"Although, you'd think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter," the pastor added.
"Not that I'm complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?"
um…well. As per custom with the Onion, the truth—wrapped as it may be in witty, sarcastic mock journalism—still makes a glaringly blatant appearance. This actually humbles my heart quite a bit. How often do we act this way towards the Almighty, as though He doesn’t belong in our pitiful “worship services”? As though he is UNINVITED?)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.
If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.
If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemen's land.
If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.
But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.
- Emily Dickinson -
i've always loved this poem...
i think in the past every time ive come across it ive had someone in my life i could kind of/sort of apply it to, whether it be a boyfriend (rare) or the latest crush-o-the-month (much more common).
its really very odd to now have absolutely, 100%, not-even-a-glimmer of an applicable someone.....and to be so strangely ok with that.i've always loved this poem...
i think in the past every time ive come across it ive had someone in my life i could kind of/sort of apply it to.
its really very odd to have absolutely, 100%, not-even-a-glimmer of it.....and to be so strangely ok with that.
here's another good one:
Heart, we will forget him!
You an I, tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.
When you have done, pray tell me
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging.
I may remember him!
- Emily Dickinson -
again, absolutely no one to apply it to, but it's a beautiful piece of poetry, is it not?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
so we're gonna start shooting stuff.
last night was poker night.
Josh won (of course) but both my roommates showed some IMPRESSIVE skills and held on til the bitter end.
i was like the 2nd person to go out. out of like 10 people.
HA! oh well. i bought the prize, so it would have been silly to win anyway.
our fish (well, Carrie's fish), Ruby, died last night trying to escape her bowl.
i do find it a bit ironic though, considering the day....
speaking of which, JESUS ROSE TODAY.
well, not TODAY today. but, you know...
2000 years ago today
(by the way, how long before we start changing that date and saying like "2009 years ago" or something?
ive been hearing "2000 years" for the past 26...shouldnt that number change eventually?)
but yes, anyway....i am eternally greatful for the gift of His grace.
i am a dirty rotten sinner and am ALL too aware of it. but HIS grace and HIS strength and HIS blood are enough to cover me
i am so undeserving, Jesus....
but i love you all the more because of that.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
FEED ON THE WORD OF GOD
and pay attention to what you hear!
also, live in the fear of God!!!
therefore you are to be feared.
Monday, March 16, 2009
eventually, i lose interest.
eventually, i become dissatisfied.
and i hate being dissatisfied.
but more often than not, that's where i am.
i thrive on constant newness.
what does that mean i'm supposed to do with my life then?
am i doomed to wander in endless tedium and restlessness?
life as it is now leaves me too much time on my hands.
too much time to think, to dwell on my current situations, be inside my own head, entirely internally focused,
thereby increasing my desperation for something more than this.
is the solitary life unhealthy for me, i wonder? do i need the distraction and stimulation of one or more people to keep me going?
"life"--what it's supposed to be, in my opinion--is more exciting than this.
it demands more of my attention, it demands action.
"life" means more things should be going on--more events, more projects, more things i HAVE to or NEED to do, not just WANT to do
(because i am a horrible self motivator, and things based solely on my desire to do them quickly go by the wayside...
i rapidly lose interest, even in things i love)
"life" means busy-ness, action, excitement, alleviation of boredom, thrills, wonder, purpose.
my current "life" is a mindless wandering in a waiting room disguised as a scintillating adventure.
really it's just a quasi-predictable to and fro shuffle, filled with crossword puzzles, coffee,
mindless petty conversation, and books filled with OTHER people's adventures.
i want a great story.
i want more ELEMENTS of story in my life...more elements of plot.
i want foreshadowing, inciting force, conflict, rising action, crisis, climax, falling action, resolution
over and over and over again.
basically i just want to live in a really good movie.
i want an elaborate plot filled with constant surprise and unpredictability.
maybe i need to become an actress.
oh the horror...
dear sweet Jesus, reveal your grand story for my life
cause i'm growing increasingly restless in the waiting.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
Sunday, March 08, 2009
if youre a guy, please share your thoughts.
if youre a girl, well...feel free to speculate.
i must say, if this IS true, then i find it horribly and wonderfully ironic that i look way better with short hair.
my life is just full of ironies these days...
love it :-)
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Friday, March 06, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
sometimes i just get so frustrated with the way things are playing out.... i wish i had some sort of control over it, but of course i don't.
i mean, don't get me wrong... on the whole, life is actually pretty good right now
(well, apart from the whole money thing--namely being that i don't have any)
but all it takes is one little hiccup. actually, just one little GLIMMER of the POSSIBILITY of a hiccup, and suddenly that's all i can think about.
i hate that.
but i'm gonna try to look at the upside and ignore that possibly-crummy part.
cause i really just shouldn't care.
maybe that's what's bothering me--the fact that i care at all.
i'm completely dedicated to not caring about that particular aspect of life.
and yet, here i am, going against everything i've been adamantly against and WANTING something i shouldn't want.
that i DON'T want.
what am i doing?
gosh i'm such a fool...
in other wholly unrelated news,
i'm going gluten free for lent
no but seriously, i am.
a friend of mine already cant have gluten, so we're used to taking that into consideration when we have parties and whatnot
and now my mom's bein' told by her doc to cut it out of her diet too
so i figure...what better time to give it a whirl and see what that life would be like?
granted, with my job i have a feeling its going to be STINKIN' HARD.
but its only 40 days (less now, actually, since i had a wedding to go to first), and i've been through worse.
gluten deprivation begins NOW!!
oh yes, and for the first time ever
i get to play Beulah (my guitar, for those of you not keeping up) tomorrow at church.
just for one song that i'm leading, but still.
and frankly, overwhelmingly terrifying.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
3 hours of sleep, a phone call from work at 3:38am assigning me a check-in at 7:12am,
a 4 hour flight out to Denver with a really long delay before we even took off...which made our day feel exceptionally long before it ever even started,
..and then we mis-connected (which was actually the fun part) due to the delay.
so typically on such days my attitude would be less than "peachy"
but before it all began--before i even set foot in the airport, actually--i prayed.
i prayed that grace and love would pour out in every action and word , and that HIS name would be glorified through it all.
and i smiled--one big determined grin that declared "i AM going to be happy today. JOY IS NOT CONTINGENT ON MY CIRCUMSTANCES!"
and you know what?
it turned out to be a pretty great day.
i mean, nothing about the day itself stood out as particularly fantastic
but my ATTITUDE....well, my attitude was pretty stinkin' grand.
when i smiled and said "good morning", "how are you?", "thank you" and "have a nice day", i meant it.
i had JOY.
God is so stupendously sweet.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Monday, February 02, 2009
Sunday, February 01, 2009
and read this (directly quoted from my pal Parker's blog):
GOOD GRIEF // Anyone paying attention to what is going on in Washington ? Massive spending and government expansion
in the name of stimulating the economy, to the depressing tune of $825 BILLION. Do we have that money available? Will it work? This is a spending bill, not a stimulus bill.
Broken down, only twelve cents of ever dollar maybe could be argued is going towards something with stimulative effect. It's chock-full of non-solution spending.
For instance, for every $1 in tax relief spent for small businesses, the current plan will spend over $12 buying new alternative-energy cars for the federal government.
This is is more of the same, but worse. Can we stop royally screwing things up for our kids and grandkids?
ECONOMIC BASICS // Ok, so the government tires to pump money in to the economy to stimulate it. (basically from a liberal philosophy, but Bush did it too.)
Ok, where does this money come from? Congress does not have a vault of trillions waiting to be distributed. Therefore, every dollar Congress "injects" into the economy
must first be taxed or borrowed out of the economy. No new wealth is created, its just moved around by the government. The government can create new spending power
by printing more money, HOWEVER, this causes inflation and disastrous damage to the value of our dollar and we've done plenty of that. PLEASE, NO MORE.
The economy is revved up by the creation of new wealth -- AMERICANS WORKING AND EARNING NEW MONEY i.e. JOBS. Good lasting American jobs are best created
by the free enterprises of American businessmen and women, not the government. Relieving tax burden helps businesses afford to make new ventures, expand, and hire new employees,
instead of laying them off. How can the government best contribute to creating and sustaining jobs and therefore stimulate the economy? CUT TAXES. Please, President Obama,
that would be real and effective change. Yesterday, Obama actually sounded like Reagan:
"In the end, the answer to our economic troubles rests less in my hands or in the hands of our legislators than it does with America's workers and the businesses that employ them.
They are the ones whose efforts and ideas will determine our economic destiny just as they always have, for in the end it's businesses -- large and small -- that generate the jobs,
provide the salaries, and serve as the foundation on which the American people's lives and dreams depend. All we can do, those of us here in Washington,
is to help create a favorable climate in which workers can prosper, businesses can thrive, and our economy can grow."
YES!! BUT THE PROBLEM IS THIS: THE BILL HE'S PUSHING DOES NOT WALK-THE-WALK OF THAT STATEMENT!
THIS on the other hand, makes brilliant sense, and it is truly "bi-partisan" as President Obama claims to care about.
[CONTRIBUTING LINKS: Heritage Foundation // Congressman Eric Cantor video + blog post, thanks, Candace, for the GB video link]