Monday, March 16, 2009

i feel like everything becomes monotonous to me eventually--every hobby, every thrill, every relationship, every job.
eventually, i lose interest.
eventually, i become dissatisfied.
and i hate being dissatisfied.
but more often than not, that's where i am.
i thrive on constant newness.

what does that mean i'm supposed to do with my life then?
am i doomed to wander in endless tedium and restlessness?

life as it is now leaves me too much time on my hands.
too much time to think, to dwell on my current situations, be inside my own head, entirely internally focused,
thereby increasing my desperation for something more than this.
is the solitary life unhealthy for me, i wonder? do i need the distraction and stimulation of one or more people to keep me going?
"life"--what it's supposed to be, in my opinion--is more exciting than this.
it demands more of my attention, it demands action.
"life" means more things should be going on--more events, more projects, more things i HAVE to or NEED to do, not just WANT to do
(because i am a horrible self motivator, and things based solely on my desire to do them quickly go by the wayside...
i rapidly lose interest, even in things i love)
"life" means busy-ness, action, excitement, alleviation of boredom, thrills, wonder, purpose.

my current "life" is a mindless wandering in a waiting room disguised as a scintillating adventure.
really it's just a quasi-predictable to and fro shuffle, filled with crossword puzzles, coffee,
mindless petty conversation, and books filled with OTHER people's adventures.

i want a great story.
i want more ELEMENTS of story in my life...more elements of plot.
i want foreshadowing, inciting force, conflict, rising action, crisis, climax, falling action, resolution
over and over and over again.

basically i just want to live in a really good movie.
i want an elaborate plot filled with constant surprise and unpredictability.

maybe i need to become an actress.
oh the horror...

dear sweet Jesus, reveal your grand story for my life
cause i'm growing increasingly restless in the waiting.

1 comment:

Tamara said...

I hear you! I think God puts a desire for greatness in all of us. However, He has to teach us humbleness and humility in the waiting. Your destiny will be filled with life and greatness...and more waiting. :)