something tells me that the Apostle Paul, had he been living in our day and age, would probably not be using a Mac... just sayin.



and im back to sharing my thoughts with the void.
it seems to be more understanding than actual people.
thank God for journals--and rarely visited blogs :)

Upon that cross of Jesus my eye at times can see
The very dying form of One who suffered there for me;
And from my smitten heart with tears, two wonders I confess,
The wonders of His glorious love, and my unworthiness.

And then I take, O cross, your shadow for my abiding place;
I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of Your face;
Content to let the world go by, to know no gain or loss.
My sinful self my only shame, my glory all the cross.

-Elizabeth C. Clephane-

How do you let go of someone you never really even HAD?

How is it possible that people can gain such a hold on you so quickly and unexpectedly?

Hormones? They suck.

Emotions? They suck too.

Bad habits? Maybe that’s it…. I don’t know. I cant explain it.

But suddenly finding yourself in the midst of emotion and longing that you never really sought out, and then suddenly having to cut the strings..well…..that kinda blows.

so several month ago i was reading my bible and writing down on notecards some of the verses that stuck out to me.
i guess i was on a 1 Peter kick cause thats where most of em are from.
i stuck the notecards inside my journal, and then inside my bible, and eventually they scattered about in my purse, and somehow one of them ended up folded up inside of the pocket of my work uniform.
i dont know how or why this one is the one that ended up there, but upon reading it i realized this is one i should probably read every time before i go to work:

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.
1 Peter 4:7-10

precisely.
so difficult, yet so necessary.
its amazing how much that verse affects my attitude when i pray it back to God..

I say it, because there are no options in sight.
I say it, in order to keep my heart intact--to keep it from hoping, to keep it from the risk of breaking when hope is inevitably disappointed--as it always is (or, at least, as it always has been for the last 27 years ive ever dared to hope)

and to admit i want it is...well, selling out.
cause everyone seems to want it.
and i dont like to be like everyone else.
and to admit it...is like admitting that im weak--that im not ok without it.
which isnt true.
i AM ok.

i am very very ok.

i just hate admitting that..it would be nice.
but the dream--the ideal--hardly ever compares to the reality.
and i think i prefer the dream.
if i cant have both--the dream coming true in reality--...then i dont want it at all.

who wants to settle for...well, settling?


~*~

more happy news: i can sing "the Story" by Brandi Carlile and hit every note she hits--even that outrageous high note she belts. awesoooooooome. such little things thrill me to my toes.

i have the sudden urge to blog.
but i dont really have anything to say.

so.....uh, how's it goin?
you doin good?
im doin good. pretty great actually.
im about to be an aunt to ANOTHER neice or nephew.
scoooore.
my current nephew is growing like a weed and his smiles and kisses can brighten my mood for days on end.

speaking of being happy, i found a tv channel that shows Happy Days 4 times a day.
and not 2 days after discovering it did i get to see my all-time favorite episode (yes, thats right: THE BROWN SUIT!!)
you cant beat that, not with a stick, bat, or cello bow.

other happy news:
*i didnt get furloughed from my airline.
*i recently got one of the best paychecks ive gotten in 2 years.
*i invited the nice Whole Foods guy to church and he's actually coming.
*been taking lots of pretty pictures :)
*i turned 27 (this isnt necessarily happy, but it is news)
*been playing lots of tennis with Melissa (and i use "playing" loosely. i definitely wont be facing off with Serena anytime soon...)

oh yes, and Ally and i tried a Dragonfruit.
have you ever seen a Dragonfruit?
its got to be one of the prettiest fruits in the world--bright hot pink on the outside and a practically neon purple/magenta color on the inside. INSANE!!!
but it tastes nasty.
total fail.
ha!

ive had a great urge lately to do some origami.
all i can remember how to make though is a star.
oh and that balloon thing...
i think i need a book :-/


tomorrow i play tennis at 10:45 and then go to Zumba at 1:30.
and after that, i die.
yep.

why do we try so hard to make people love us? why do our spirits compel us to gain everyone else's admiration in order to feel adequate in and of ourselves?

someone once said that "only by comparison are we able to feel inferior"
i find this so true in my life.
every day i look in the mirror and think, "hey im not so bad"
but then i open the door and go to pieces in the face of the world.
i tear myself down, bit by bit, through everyone i see
thinking "man if only i had eyes like that" or "a figure like that", or "if only i was as good at that" or "more confident in that" or "more skilled in that".
then the me i know gradually becomes the me i have no desire to be
and slowly, ever so subtly, i lose myself.


why? is it just destined to be that way? am I just destined to always have this struggle?
is this the thorn in my side that i, like Paul, will always wrestle with?
perhaps it is my cross to bear in this life: my own inadequacy.
i think we're all programmed to struggle more with certain "sins" and trials,
whether it be alcoholism, gossip, self-destruction, homosexuality, selfishness, lust, body issues,
or any other various and assorted human tendencies.
the real question, however, is whether we will allow Satan to use those tendencies to control us and keep us down, or if we will accept God's truth--that we ARE overcomers, through Him--and rise above our own humanness.


Eleanor Roosevelt once said "friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
perhaps thats why my friendships are often very superficial. i am not a friend of myself, ergo true friendship with others is next to impossible.
what a tragedy... though i wish it disturbed me more. at the moment, superficial friendships seem to be enough. i dont care enough to change. i dont WANT to be a friend of myself cause that means i accept myself as i am--flaws and all--and i dont.

what a shame, what a shame, what a shame...


accept God's truth. it's the only thing that can save you.


::edit::
from a convo with my pal Jessie:

Jessie: i was explaining the other day that people telling you you're "beautiful" and stuff is really empty. cuz we were talking about self-esteem and all this and its damaging when people don't tell you that...but its damaging when they do, and then they don't value you. it's equally damaging to hear things about your body or your appearance but to not hear them about who you are.

Sarah: so true. so much so that when you DO hear that stuff, it almost makes you uncomfortable to hear it cause we so often DONT hear it, ergo we dont believe it because it's ingrained in us to believe the worst. those are the easier things to believe--the bad things.

Jessie: yeah i often do not believe it. what was hard for me is that it kept getting reinforced by empty things. i had an enormous struggle with self worth in the last 10 months, and that is the problem with allowing anyone to validate your beauty besides God.

i can still fit into one of my favorite t-shirts!! YAY!!!!!!!


my heart got stirred again yesterday for full time missions.
good. ive been in desperate need of a good stirring lately....


still trying to figure out what im doing with this life, at least for now.
rent's goin up so ive gotta find a new place to live, whether it be here in VA/DC or in someplace completely different--like Chicago, Denver, Seattle....
is it time for a new adventure?
how much change are we talkin about here, God? i feel like ive been playing it safe for so long....

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.