Thursday, May 28, 2009

i want to move to Seattle.

or Portland.

whichever one would take me, really....and allow me to keep my job.

tis all.

Monday, May 18, 2009

1. for additional income.
2. to mow the lawn/rake leaves/shovel snow.
3. to help me make sense of my finances (and understand what the heck APR is)
4. to carry heavy furniture.
5. to help with general house/car repairs.

and because i suppose i should have some sentimental reasons too:

6. for kissin' and cuddlin'.
7. to have someone to travel with.

tis all.

Monday, May 11, 2009

im really sick of these dreams ive been having.
theyre all of a disastrous nature.
first it was a herd of tornados ripping through my hometown and trying to kill off my entire family.
then it was...something else i cant quite remember (stupid dreams, so elusive), but again, trying to kill off my entire family,
and then last night i, in my selfishness, kill my best friend (long story as to how, but thats the gist).
good gracious, will the destruction ever end???
what is going ON???

on a happier note, i was at Target the other day.
thats it. yaaaaaaaaaaaaay Target!

no really, i was at Target and i picked up a few to the cash register, set my items on the belt and noticed: everything i was getting was green.
green t shirt, green umbrella, and two packs of Stride wintergreen gum (YUM!)
kinda funny. the cashier even pointed it out.
how delightful, the little "funnies" of life.

kinda bombed in our worship set yesterday at church.
i had to lead two songs (half the freaking set! geesh) and i was horribly out of practice (my fault).
so every string i hit sounded twangy and my fingers hurt so badly by the end of it... but you know what, so long as Jesus loved it, thats all that matters, right?
still...i hate not stewarding my gifts well.
anyone have a travel guitar they want to give me??? so i can take it on trips? i used to carry Beulah everywhere i went but shes just so flippin' ostentatious... i hated the attention. but i also hate being out of practice....

please? maybe we can take up a fund..?

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church

Thanks be to (and Hilary) for this one:

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.

Our Father, the Almighty God, popped His all-powerful head into First Presbyterian Church Sunday.

Interrupting Pastor Terry Pridgen's sermon on His unending mercy, God appeared suddenly before His flock as an intense beam of white light, instantly dispersing the earthly forms of those seated in the first two pews. Sources said the remaining congregants had to avert their eyes from their Creator, whose booming celestial voice overwhelmed their worldly senses and humbled their hearts as He politely apologized for not calling first.

"I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt," God said unto church members, many of whom cowered in reverent fear of Him. "Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here."
The Supreme Being then thanked the choir for its "lovely introduction" and took a seat to the right of the altar.

According to wholly repentant witnesses, who were scarcely able to look upon the Alpha and Omega, much less conceive of the enormity of His Might, God did not speak again for the entirety of the service, but was seen nodding approvingly during the Nicene Creed.
Attendees reportedly did not ask the One Who Made Them Flesh why He had chosen to visit their small parish, though some suspected the church's new electric organ might have had something to do with it.

"I don't think anyone knew He was coming," said churchgoer Ron Stiehl, adding that, for once, he was happy his wife dragged him to church. "At least it seemed that way when He started walking toward us and everyone was yelling their heads off like it was Judgment Day."
"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller."

While God did not reveal unto man a reason for His visit—nor did He, in His great wisdom, offer to pay for the six stained-glass windows that shattered from the awesome power of His presence—the Almighty sat among His followers for the last 35 minutes of the Sunday service, as well as the free coffee and pastries that followed.

Sources said that Our Father sat alone eating two cinnamon-sugar doughnuts, and was approached only once, when 5-year-old Jeremy Pacheco tried to hug the omnipotent deity. The boy's parents immediately yanked him away.

The other 112 church members avoided God entirely, and reacted to His continued stay with a mix of astonishment, confusion, fearful reverence, and the sublime inner peace that comes with the knowledge of a power greater than oneself.

"I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn't sure if it's still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly," Wendy Alston said. "And I didn't dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed."

"Oh dear God," said 72-year-old church volunteer Michael Sharpe, completely enraptured by the materialization of the One True Creator before his very eyes. "Oh, dear God in heaven."
Since the Almighty's decision to stop by the First Presbyterian Church, the theological world has been thrown into chaos. Presbyterian leaders said God's appearance was indisputable proof that their denomination is the one true faith, but afternoon sightings of the Lord at two other Fayetteville churches, as well as one synagogue, have cast doubt on that theory.

"God said He just wanted to see what we were up to," Pastor Pridgen said. "This is His house, after all. He can drop in whenever He wants."

"Although, you'd think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter," the pastor added.
"Not that I'm complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?"

um…well. As per custom with the Onion, the truth—wrapped as it may be in witty, sarcastic mock journalism—still makes a glaringly blatant appearance. This actually humbles my heart quite a bit. How often do we act this way towards the Almighty, as though He doesn’t belong in our pitiful “worship services”? As though he is UNINVITED?)