Tuesday, October 18, 2005

so....maybe i'll start writing in here, since no one knows i exist here and i can probably pour out my heart without causing too much of a ruckus.

i hurt right now. and im sick of hurting. i dont like just being friends.... why? i dont know. is he who i want anyway? maybe its just cause he's another "possibility" that ive now lost. why do i care so much now? i had so many doubts when we were "together" (not dating but "liking"), but now that we're not, and im far away, im seeing all the good things. why cant i see the bad anymore? are they still there? do they bug me still? this is how i work, unfortunatley...when i remember things, the good things about a person or place in my memory are the things that stick around and the bad stuff kinda fades out. in this case it messes everything up. part of me is still holding on to him and its like now that i really dont have him, i want him. i wish i could just wipe it all out of my memory and be fine with it but now he's in there--he has a place in my past and when that happens, we suddenly have "history" and that just makes it more appealing..... and man, i dont want to start over with someone else. he had "possibility". he opened up a whole new world for me, and now i want that world more than any other. i hate pouring myself into something that ends up just being nothing. its such a waste. i feel like this was all a waste.

i miss him.
a lot.
and i dont quite know how to handle the place im suddenly in.
i dont know how to talk to him anymore.
all my emails turn bitter and thats not how i intend for them to be....but he just makes me angry now and i dont know why. maybe cause im not getting what i want.
am i spoiled? the idea makes me laugh, cause its not like im used to getting what i want when it comes to relationships. that pretty much never happens. maybe im just sick of the losing game. maybe im sick of never getting what i want.
im fed up
i wanted it to finally work for once
when we were together i saw all the reasons why it couldnt or shouldnt work
but now that we're apart, he's all i want.

why do i do that?
is that normal for me?
is this how it will always be?

when did i suddenly become so eager to relinquish my freedom and be in a relationship?
i dont get it....i think im still at a point though that if i WAS in a relationship with him, i probably wouldnt want it.
maybe im just a person who doesnt know what she wants
or who always wants what she doesnt have....and then when she does get it, she doesnt want it anymore....

UGHHHHHHHH so frustrating

i dont wish i had never met him. i feel like he turned my world upside down in so many of the right ways. he freed me, in a way....
but now what?
did i want him just because he provided an excuse to be in the UK?
did i want him because we had the same ministry goals?
i found my "share the vision" bracelet yesterday.
i dont know what to do with it now.

is there someone better out there?
was i settling with him?
or will i be settling with someone else?
im sick of this game.....i dont want anyone else. i dont want to make this effort all over again....
i felt like with him i suddenly had direction...
but maybe i was planning too much of my life out again and thats why God took him away...
but is it just for a time?
is there any hope left to hold to?

i let him convince me that we were right together
but now he doesnt want me like that
i feel like he played with my heart, and that we used each other,
but not on purpose, really....
it just happened. we were testing waters....but we still ended up hurt

i wish i knew if he was as hurt as i am right now...
i wish i knew what he was thinking.
is there someone else?
is he still trying to get over me?
does he like me at all?

was he just something to crave?

(i am continually finding common bonds between myself and Alanis Morisette.
maybe we're meant to be best friends or something, liking guys until we have them, then not wanting them anymore....
but then wanting them again when we suddenly dont have them.
but she has one now so i guess thats a moot point.)

it....really just stinks.
a lot.
i hate putting myself out there and getting let down time after time.
i think...im just in a place where i dont know what i want.

its pretty solid right now that we are strictly friends. thats all are emails are about anymore. he doesnt even tell me about his life or anything, just that he does have a peace about us just being friends. and the i dont hear from him for like a week and then i get another email and it says the same type of thing. no random thoughts or typical friend talk...just more lines saying that he's sure thats what we need to be.
i think ive gotten the picture by now. you dont need to keep sticking and resticking the needle in the already achy spot.
but i dont even know why i want him so much...or if i even do.
maybe im just missing the idea of him or something.
"just friends" only works if both sides are completely over each other... otherwise most of the time, you might have to make some space. i dont think the space thing will be as much of a problem though this time since it seems its just happening naturally...there's an entire atlantic ocean of space...
why is life like this? over and over again, its the same thing...
i feel like ive gone through enough heart ache, you know? havent i learned my lesson?
why does God see fit to keep slapping more on me?
or is it my fault? maybe im the one messing up....seeking it out when its something im not ready for...and then i just end up hurting myself.

2 comments:

Network Marketing said...
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Deblin said...

Totally found you! I don't know if we can link blogs, I'm not that smart. But at least I can post to you now!