waiting

then



and now



the years have definitely changed us, but most assuredly for the better.
she is and always will be one of my very favorites :-)


. . . .


do you ever feel like youre wasting your life WAITING for things?

it seems that truly, the majority of my life is spent waiting.
where i work is essentially a waiting room, if you think about it.
we're always waiting for the planes, then waiting for the passengers to get off, then waiting for them to get on, then waiting for the next flight...and we work during the "wait" from one destination to the next, then wait to land and wait to take off again....

and in life im waiting for the next move. the next job. the next task, the next door to open, the next STEP.
(because this isnt where im supposed to be forever...right, Lord..?)

and in my lack-o-love-life, im waiting for the "right" one to come along. and waiting to be ready when(/if) he does (cause im sure as heck not ready now. surprisingly.)

we wait for our mail, for the traffic light, for the next opportunity, for that second smile, for the phone to ring, for the day to be over, for our turn in the game, for results, for a chance to relax, for our turn in the grocery line, for our meals to finish cooking, for the day when we can embrace our loved ones again...

its so very very hard to WAIT.

im not really sure what my point is in all of this....
just that...im sick of waiting.
i dont want to see my life in this way.
i want to see the "waiting" as time to make things happen.
i want to SEIZE this life.
i want to ENJOY it.
waiting doesnt have to be waiting.
we trivialize it to be that, but we should instead be viewing the waiting as just another opportunity to do something else...
yes?

is this making any sense?

thoughts please.

my hair can be WAVY!!!



you have no idea what a triumph this is
for two and a half decades, i have been confined by the misunderstanding that my hair was "straight"
but alas, a revelation!
it has LIFE to it!

(ok, so i had to work at it a little bit,
but that doesn't nullify the end result)

lately...

i didnt sing at church today.
i could have--i knew yesterday evening that i would be around for it
but i just...needed to NOT sing...for a change.
i needed to not be in any spotlight,
to not be preoccupied with how i appear and be so wrapped up in singing that i dont think about the meaning of the words.
i needed a break.
i needed to think...
to remember Who this is all for
and why im even here.

admittedly, i think ive become a bit of an attention whore.
inadvertently, mind you.
work doesnt help...i think its probably what started it all.
being stared at all day, all because of this bloody uniform and the fact that im one of the younger ones wearing it.
passengers seem to like that...
sometimes i feel like...i dont know how to put this delicately...........a piece of meat?
i can usually tune it out by not looking them in the eyes, but i still KNOW theyre looking
(why, though??? im not exactly a Kate Beckinsale or Angelina Jolie... not even CLOSE. what's the big deal?)
anywho...work as gotten me used to being on display
and now im starting struggle with it as a member of our worship team.
im starting to LIKE the attention....and really, thats what worries me the most.
granted, that doesnt mean i should STOP singing with the team... it just means i need to quit making this about me. it never has been, it never will be, and i dont WANT it to be.
i need Jesus to help me nip this thing in the bud, and i need to quit letting my guard down.
Satan's schemes are many and subtle...
he'd love nothing more than to get us thinking that this is all about us.

"if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"

but my JESUS
my JESUS is my rock and my strength
my fortress
my strong tower of refuge


this is all for HIS glory and HIS praise.



(my walk has been more of a crawl lately... oh Lord, im so sorry.....)

For You

My sweet Jesus,
I love you.
And I'm trying so hard.
It's not so easy,
down here anymore.
Everyone just treats me,
like I'm crazy or something.
Sometimes I feel like I am,
because no one seems to understand.

But if I'm a fool, I'm a fool for you.
And if I'm alive, I'm living just for you.
If I sing a song, then I sing for you.
I sing all day long, in everything I do.

My sweet Jesus,
I'm sorry,
that I let you down again.
It's not so easy,
Down here anymore.
Everyone just treats me,
like I'm crazy or something.
And sometimes, I feel like I am.
Because no one seems to understand.

But if I'm a fool, I'm a fool for you.
and if I'm alive, I'm living just for you.
If I sing a song, then I sing for you.
I sing all day long, in everything I do...

i weighed myself today, for the first time in 2 and a half years.

and it wasn't as bad as i was expecting.

granted, it WAS bad.
but not AS bad as i feared.

so.
i guess thats something.

attraction

Mutual attraction really is so nice.

I just noticed a guy noticing me as we walked through a nearly empty O'Hare terminal.
I was heading one way, he was going the other...
Turned back for another look just when he did.
Smiles were exchanged.
Walking continued.
Another glance back was met with another glance from him.
Bigger smiles.
More walking.
Another glance, another smile...
I laughed at our game.
From what I could tell, he was just as amused.

Sadly, however, thats usually where it ends.
But for those brief moments of "possibility", the heart leaps, and hope is once again fanned into flame.
And the thought lingers, "Maybe...just maybe.....someday.............."

what ive learned from sorting through my 2007 receipts:

.:: i spend WAAAYYYY too much money at Starbucks.
.:: i use a surprising amount of gas for not driving a car every day.
.:: international receipts...i have NO idea what to do with those. especially the ones in Japanese.
.:: last year, i spend over $1000 in car repairs.
.:: a room service bill, paid on the morning of 01/01/08 but ordered on 12/31/07 may not count on my 2007 deductions
.:: throwing all your receipts in an H&M bag over the course of a year is probably not the most efficient filing system around.



if i had a garden gnome, i would name him Maximus Giovani Aristotle Smith.
or something to that effect.
maybe not Aristotle..
maybe...Abujabe.
or....just plain Bob.


i need a haircut.
badly.
but i cant think of anything creative to do with it.
thoughts..?




so, random turn-around:
i think i can relate a bit to Angela Chase
case in point:

-"i thought at least by the age of [25] i would have a love life.
but i dont even have a LIKE life."

- "i think part of him is partly interested in you, definitely. but, i mean, he's got other things on his mind..."
- "but that's the part that's so unfair--i have NOTHING else on my mind.
how come I have to be the one sitting around analyzing him in, like, microscopic detail, and HE gets to be the one with OTHER things on his mind?"

eeeeexactly.


just a few of my favorite things:

.:: laundromats ::.

.:: the nephew ::.

Here in persistence I've sat on this doorstep and cried
I've pounded
Waiting for answers to questions I would not let die
Confounded
Above all my knocking I hear you
Tell me its time to move on
To abandon the hope I have clung to
Holding out for a key for so long...

If I lay this down for You,
Trusting your wisdom and strength to see me through,
I'd be walking away from my dream and desire
For reasons much higher
Than I could aspire to know,
If I finally let it all go for You...

I thought for awhile you'd come to my senses and see my reasons
With all my persuasion, you'd open eventually,
In season.
Stubborn and certain, I've pleaded,
Knocking with all of my might
Sure this was all that I needed
For an echo of hope I have tried

If I lay this down for You,
Trusting your wisdom and strength to see me through,
I'd be walking away from my dream and desire
For reasons much higher
Than I could aspire to know,
If I finally let it all go for You...

good gracious, thats SO hard to do.
to let it go...even for a prize as great as Him.
makes me wonder what i need to lay down....
so many aspirations and desires lie within my heart...and who knows? maybe he desires to give them to me.
but then again, maybe theyre things i need to let go of for good...

much easier said than done.


a rather thought-provoking statement recently crossed my path:
"Don't assume that every bright and noble idea in a godly man's mind is of Me."

there seem to be a good number of "noble ideas" floating around in my head, things i want to do for God.
but if he hasn't called me to do them and yet i DO, then i'm going against his will for me,
and that's straight up disobedience.


hmm...
really makes you think twice, doesn't it?





so....i still need to do my taxes.
im really an idiot for waiting this long....
i also need to move..
and do my IPTE training for our new aircraft....
and do my online "homework" for my recurrent safety training at the end of this month...
and play Beulah, and study Russian, and get a new cell phone, and do my bible study homework..and return my jeans...and pay my bills....and get a picture re-framed.....and lose weight.......and decide if i'm going to photograph Nichole's wedding...........

ohhhhhh lordy, i'm over it all already.



guide me, sweet Jesus.