Sunday, April 20, 2008


i didnt sing at church today.
i could have--i knew yesterday evening that i would be around for it
but i just...needed to NOT sing...for a change.
i needed to not be in any spotlight,
to not be preoccupied with how i appear and be so wrapped up in singing that i dont think about the meaning of the words.
i needed a break.
i needed to think...
to remember Who this is all for
and why im even here.

admittedly, i think ive become a bit of an attention whore.
inadvertently, mind you.
work doesnt help...i think its probably what started it all.
being stared at all day, all because of this bloody uniform and the fact that im one of the younger ones wearing it.
passengers seem to like that...
sometimes i feel like...i dont know how to put this delicately...........a piece of meat?
i can usually tune it out by not looking them in the eyes, but i still KNOW theyre looking
(why, though??? im not exactly a Kate Beckinsale or Angelina Jolie... not even CLOSE. what's the big deal?) as gotten me used to being on display
and now im starting struggle with it as a member of our worship team.
im starting to LIKE the attention....and really, thats what worries me the most.
granted, that doesnt mean i should STOP singing with the team... it just means i need to quit making this about me. it never has been, it never will be, and i dont WANT it to be.
i need Jesus to help me nip this thing in the bud, and i need to quit letting my guard down.
Satan's schemes are many and subtle...
he'd love nothing more than to get us thinking that this is all about us.

"if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"

but my JESUS
my JESUS is my rock and my strength
my fortress
my strong tower of refuge

this is all for HIS glory and HIS praise.

(my walk has been more of a crawl lately... oh Lord, im so sorry.....)

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