Xander's been officially declared autistic. It's a blow, but seeing as we've been suspecting as much, it's not as  impacting as it could be. And ultimately, it may make it easier to have patience with him when he's proving a bit unmanageable. That is my prayer, at least. I love the little guy, but its so hard to reach into his world. Here's hoping God brings about some breakthroughs. He is the Almighty, after all :)

‎"Speak unto Him for He hears you,
And Spirit with spirit will meet!
Nearer is He than breathing,
Nearer than hands and feet."

I love this visual. I smile every time I read this.

If we're supposed to be "tolerant" and "coexist" and all that jazz, why cant you be tolerant of me if I choose to believe something different than you? Are you only willing to tolerate and coexist with people who share your exact view point? Christ calls us to love, and that's what I strive to do, but loving doesnt mean I agree with how you live your life. I can love without necessarily approving of your lifestyle. I can love without hating you. That's what God does. He loves us, calls us, as we are, in all of our ickiness, to be HIS--but not to STAY THE SAME OR STAY IN OUR SIN. He says "come and be changed", "come and sin no more". I am not perfect. Neither are you. But I love you, in spite of my opinions on how you live your life, because Christ loves me. Because He loves me, I am able to love you. Why cant you return the gesture? Where's the love? 

"We cannot fight for love, as men may do.
 We should be wooed, and were not made to woo."

Sometimes I find myself sitting in my car, listening to slow songs by Death Cab and trying desperately to feel something.

a funny conversation between two friends of mine:

Kevin: I somehow shaved 3:30 off of my mile and a half time. I've run once since the last time I had to do it. Hipster miracle...?

Kyle: Hipsters don't run...unless they are trying to get to a free Arcade Fire show.

Kevin: Bon Iver. Free PBR. Free flannel. 50% off sale at Urban. Buy one get one vinyl. Free Polaroid cameras. New organic fruit market. Free fixed gear bicycles. Some pointless cause that requires them talking about but not actually doing anything. IPhone 5.
A random list of other things hipsters would run to/for.

"He placed me in a little cage

Away from gardens fair;

But I must sing the sweetest songs

Because He placed me there.

Not beat my wings against the cage

If it's my Maker's will,

But raise my voice to heaven's gate

And sing the louder still!"

This is such a sweet reminder to my seemingly ever-troubled heart.

From my current life-vantage-point, things look to be quite a mess.
I really never thought it would come to this.
But it has, and now I'm left with so many burning questions that I'd really rather not face.
I recently came to realize, though, that I never really gave this completely over to God.
I mean, I thought I had, but if I was really being truthful with myself, I'd have to admit I was really just trying to figure it out on my own. WHY, I don't know. Especially when I have this amazingly capable, ALL KNOWING, LOVING God who desperately wants to help his child. Why wouldn't I surrender to that? Really, I think there's a small part of me that was (and is), quite frankly, terrified to face whatever it is He might in store for me. But all realities that I face at this point are equally terrifying, so what have I got to lose?

Basically, I need to stop fighting. God wants to do something with me. I'm ready for that next step.
Show me the next step, Lord Jesus.

In Your Pure Light

A cry...

A cry lies within us in the depth of a place which we cannot touch,

Waiting to escape the enclosed gates of our expression.

Something is happening inside of us,

Beyond what we can articulate,

So we respond.

We respond to You.

We respond to You, Jesus.

In your pure light I have come out of the shadows of darkness.

You alone are the one that can satisfy.

Seeping into every vacant space inside of me--

Reality...in You, in me, in You.

I try to imagine forever, and at a certain point my brain stops, but that's You.

Forever being, forever existing, forever knowing You.

Before there was anyone, anything, You,

And after everything there was is no more...You.

My thoughts cant even fully comprehend You, so whatever praise my

thoughts begin my Spirit has to complete.

And every time I take in a breath...I discover You,

and that the same breath Im breathing originated inside of You.

So I breathe You in, because you take me in, Jesus.

In your pure light I have come out of the shadows of darkness.

You alone satisfy...

Seeping into every vacant space inside of me.

Try to imagine forever.

That's You.

Forever being, forever existing, forever knowing You.

Before there was anyone, anything, You,

And after everything there was is no more...You.

And every time I take in a breath--

Every time I take in a breath,

I discover You.

I breathe you in...because you take me in.

We breathe you in, because you take us in,

To be still, and breathe

that you are God.

- Amena Brown -

it's frustrating and a little sad that i don't feel i can voice what i really think about some things for fear of "offending" someone, being perceived as "intolerant", or being told i'm "bashing" a lifestyle or a "right" or whatever.

aren't we supposed to have free speech? but heaven forbid you say something that goes against cultural norms.

do that, and you'll quickly see bullying isn't just a problem our teenagers deal with--it's an infectious disease running rampant all over the map.

my newest niece, Miss Eliza(beth) Grace

apparently i am too intimidated to walk, in my gym clothes, through a lobby full of fancy strangers to try to find the gym in this hotel--totally risking walking the wrong way, looking like a fool and having people stare at me. why cant the gym be on a higher floor like most are, rather than the lobby? i think i must have some sort of phobia or anxiety disorder if such a journey intimidates me enough that i just head back up to my room to work out.
if i knew where the gym WAS, it wouldnt be so bad....maybe.

what is this a sign of?
i am so easily intimidated. shy. terrified of being embarrassed or experiencing awkward moments.
is there a pill i can take for this or something?

‎"No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."

Tonight, I finally watched Gone With the Wind. For someone who loves the classics as much as I do, I'm surprised it's taken me this long--though the fact that it has a run-time of 3hrs and 53mins may have something to do with it.
I really very much enjoyed it this film. I was a bit surprised at how much death there was, though, even for a movie with a major war involved. And the ending was sad--such a cliffhanger! It was like the season finale of a beloved show that never ends up being renewed for additional seasons. But I suppose that's what imaginations are for.

Really, if you haven't seen this movie yet, you should.

It's distressing to me how subtly Satan twists the Word, causing people to stray. Just now, some random girls came up to me to try to talk to me about the female image of God, how God also has a bride/wife in heaven (or IS also a bride/woman, or something. It got a little convoluted), making the family paradigm we have here on earth an echo of what is in heaven. I tried to be gracious in my responses but it got a little frustrating. Thank you, God, for the wisdom to respond well, but please open their eyes to the truth of Scripture!

"No one ever comes to Christ through an argument"

it is very hard to allow people to have a wrong perception of you, without trying to justify yourself and prove that perception wrong.

but one of my favorite reminders comes from Amy Carmichael:

"If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

people will think what they will think. all you have control over is how YOU think. so instead, be so determinedly wrapped up in the Lord that the misunderstanding of yourself by others means nothing to you.

Words are powerful. Be careful with them.

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
--Proverbs 12:18--

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
--Proverbs 16:24--

The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.
--Proverbs 17:27--

The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.

--Proverbs 18:8--

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

--Proverbs 12:25--

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

--Proverbs 15:1--

I think it may be time to say goodbye to this certain chapter of my life, i.e. my involvement on the church worship team. I think it has evolved past its ability to coalesce with my chaotic lifestyle. It is no one's fault, and it was never intentional, really...it's just the natural way of things.
But honestly, I don't really know where that leaves me.
The worship team was sort of the last tie binding me to my church. It's nothing personal--I hold no ill-will for anyone or anything connected with that body. My church is full of great people desiring to serve God faithfully. But the vision of this particular body of believers was never one I totally adopted myself. It's a fine vision, a good vision, but it is not my heart's desire or my calling. And honestly, sometimes you just don't fit somewhere anymore, even if at one time you did. Sometimes we are only meant to be in each others lives for a season, and now I'm wondering if my season is up.
So what to do?
I am a firm believer in the idea that God never leads us away from something without leading us towards something else. That "something else" isn't always apparent immediately, but I don't think He usually intends for us to wander blindly in the interim. So, I suppose that means I need to wait and see and pray about whatever could be coming next.
So pray I shall.